Bagism: Library

In Our Own Write - Chapter 2


In Our Own Write is an interactive story YOU create. But don't worry, you won't have to write the whole thing yourself. You can can contribute as much or as little as you'd like. The idea is to build on whatever was written before, a little at a time. The specifics of the story is completely up to you, but the main theme should have something to do with John Lennon.

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"We just gotta get Paulie back, lads!" John said. "I can't write without him!" "Don't worry, be happy!" George said gleefully, strumming placidly on his guitar. "We'll find him, but for the time being, let's get somethin' to eat, I'm starved!'

And eat they did..... The three other Beatles went to an indian resturant, in his soup John found a season ticket (to add more season). Soon Ringo started dancing with this lady who could tell them where Paul was (but she could say no more).

John was dancing too but suddently he stop! He heard a voice from the sky singing: It's wonderful to be here It's certaintly a thrill Your such a lovely audience I'd like to take you home with me I'd like to take you home..." It's Paul!, shout John, no other could like to sing to aliens! He was right. Paul was giving a private show to 400 aliens up to the Empire state Building.

They ate dinner then went for a walk. Next George discovered something different about John. He looked at him for one minute and relized it was really Julian. He replaced his father but the only one who knew this was George. The next day Paul returned from his world tour and saw John. He screamed and ran the other way. Sixteen Years ago he heard his friend was killed. Acually what really happened was John came home from recording his album on December 8,1980 when suddenly he just vannished into thin air. He was never seen again and Yoko doesn't even know about this. The new John is alot younger and was last seen in Alaska with Sean. They are promoting their books together.

"I don't really want to stop the show, but I thought you might like to know, that I was kidnapped by alien thiefs who really gave me a lot of grief. So, if you really want to know, I need a big hunk of your dough. 'Cause I've gotta get back to the Beatles, ya know." (sang Paul at the concert)

Champion coat-tail riders-there have been many. Tori Spelling without the encouraging pat Hollywood-way on the bum from daddy, would she be snapping gum at McDonald's trying to avoid the obstruction that is her pre-surgery nose? Mellisa Rivers-how else would she those designer gowns to sit on E! television and criticize all's clothes (those she isn't a registered critic)without the aid of mummie Joan? Yoko Ono-dear woman-will she ever find her nitch? "How will she make it on her own?"

In the beginning, there was light. Then John Lennon was born and the light became blinding.

And the people at bagism website decided it was a good beginning............. Ringo saw the light and walked down the road to check it out.....

Taking full advantage of this wondrous light (and fearful of more exhausting adventures with his Beatle friends), John occupied himself most of the afternoon by organizing his collection of guitars. Within a few minutes, however, John's attention turned to his main interest--writing. "I do so love me creativity!" he muttered to himself, furiously dreaming up fantastic images and setting them to words. After scribbling several pages of gobbledygook and humorous plays on words, John felt tired and decided to retire early. No sooner than he put his writings aside, however, there was a knock at the door. It was Paul...

Paul walked in with some strange girl. He walked over and sat on John. " Do you mind?" John snarled at him. Having noticed this weird girl Paul had with him, John said " Where's JANE then, Pauley?" (Jane being Jane Asher, Paul's girlfriend and sister of Peter Asher, employee of Apple, Apple being the Beatles company, the Beatles being four scruffs from Liverpool, England) " Jane?" Paul asked. Gazing at the girl who was now sitting on his lap. "Oh my god!" Paul screamed, now realizing he must have left Jane at Shea Stadium with Ringo. "Oh my god, what are we going to do?" Paul was now bouncing on the couch. "Who are you?" he said to the girl. "I'm Yoko" replied the weird lady. "Really," John said taking sudden interest in her. "Would you like to come sit in a bag with me sometime?" she asked him. "That sounds gear, John replied. They looked at Paul who was about to jump out the window, when George and Pattie walked in. "Don't be commiting suicide, then Pauley!" George screamed and with that, knocked Pattie over and caught Paul just as he was about to Jump. John and Yoko were too busy with eachother to notice. Paul explained his situation to George and Pattie and they agreed to help get rid of weird Yoko and get Jane back. But then they heard a strange sound coming from the bathroom. Pattie, George, Paul, John and Weird Yoko all ran in to see what it was. There was blonde girl sittng by the window. When she saw them all she thought they were very absurd (especially that weird short one with the black knotty hair) The girl decided to introduce herself. "My name's Linda" Paul looked at her. "She came in through the bathroom window!"

A quiet man was this Paul, he walked right in and sat on a davennport and stared. "Hello?" said John, placing himself between his guitars and this mysterious stranger. Paul said nothing. John fumbled for words. "Uh, my friend, how are you?" Nothing. "Well, if you're not going to talk I'll have to charge you admission for looking at my guitar collection." "Hello," quacked Paul. "Oh, you can talk?" "Of COURSE I can talk, I AM a human being!" (You all know the rest). "I've traveled many moons to see you." "Oh, lay off that stupid rubbish. You aren't an Indian." "Oh, come on!! It's fun!! " "NO!!" Paul grumbled under his breath, while John picked up a guitar to polish it. "So, now that your are talking, what do you want." "Well, my name is Paul..." "Understood." "And I want to go on a Magical, Mystertious Tour to Germany. And it would Please Please Me if you would join me band. Don't be a Bad Boy. HELP! me. I'll have a Hard Day's Night trying to find another. You and the rest of the band will Come Together and make Rock 'n Roll Music. Tommorrow Never Knows how far we could go..." "Okay, Stop that!! Stop THAT!!!! Stop trying to be so witty. Likw you inspired the names of all our songs. We havne't even written them yet." "Is that a Yes?" "Yes It Is"

But at that very moment, it started raining froot loops. And then Grape nuts started raining down, and then rice crispies. Pretty soon the whole ground was covered with cereal.

So all the Beatles, fab as they were, decided it was time to get out of the rain, so they ran and hid their heads till the sun shone. Then they got themselves some lemonade (actually, they sent George to get it because he was used to being bullied about by the other three.) Then John thought he ought to run it backwards and so he did. Now as a result we all think Paul is dead!!

Paul's not really dead, he's just wandering about in the land of meaningless pop music.

And then John, Paul, George and Ringo crowded around the record player, and listened to some Oasis, on vinyl of course!! And they sang, "IN A CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA IN THE SKY!!" And had fun laughing...

George and Ringo also travelled a long way so that Paul and John could be unmarried. But across the street Yoko was playing with some cards and the cards decided that John should not go to the divorce. "Alright," said John and he stayed home and helped Sean learn 'With A Little Help from My Friends'. When George, Paul and Ringo heard that John would not cross the street after they had all travelled across the Universe just to be there, they (especially George) were angry. George phoned John and yelled at him. This only made John angry and he sent over a balloon that said "Listen To This Balloon" on it. So they listened. They listened more. finally when they realized it wasn't going to say anything, they all went home. When John realized what he had done, and that Yoko's cards were all wrong.....

John decided to cross the street, but the rest of the Beatles were gone! "Help! I need somebody!" John cried. But the other Beatles were at Blue Jay Way having a party without John! "Nobody cares about me anymore!" thought John. "I'm a nowhere man!" But one Beatle did care about John. George invited John to the party because it was SO boring without him. "Please don't be long," pleaded George,"For I may be asleep!" So John went to the party.

John decided to ignore Yoko's cards, because he was too out of it to do anything else. In fact the whole band was out of it. No one knew what to do anymore, and the band was starting to fall apart. Paul, sensing trouble, tried to pull the band together again. "Come on, we've got to stay together.." Paul knew if the band were to split, he'd run out of money by 1975. And that was no good. But George, who thought Paul was a bit of an idiot, said "No let's go to India, sit on top of the mountains, and meditate." Ringo thought that was a good idea, and since Ringo usually had a good opinion, they all flew off to India, and began to meditate. It all began to fall apart, however, when Paul got bored and ran off to a huge orgy down the road from where they were meditating. From then, the band decided that Paul was an arsehole. John said, "Look, since he wants to be the leader of the band, let him. He can't write any good songs anyway, so let him write 20 crap songs for the next album, we'll contribute 10 classics..." Ringo suddenly perked up. "I get to write a classic?" he asked excitedly. John snorted. "No! You get to sing that song...whazitcalled...Don't Pass Me By...Yes that's it." At that point... Paul came back from his orgy. "Oh yes," he said. "I've got like 20 songs in my head, let's go back to the studios and record them all..."

While they were recording the album, John said,"Wait a minute! Paul can write good music! 'Why don't we do it in the road' was the best song I ever heard!" "Why thank you,"said Paul. But George said, "I like Revolution 9 better!" "I just like them all!" "Who said that?" asked Ringo. "It was I, Sam!" replied the voice.

George turning ' round in his chair looked at Sam..."you mean you liked my stuff too?

"Why wouldn't I like your music George?" asked Sam. "I don't know, most people don't I guess". "They all like them", George says as he points to John and Paul. "Nobody likes me". Ringo speaks up, "That nowhere man, that nobody, I knew he was somebody". George then turns to Ringo and gives him a big hug. "Thanks Ring, I needed that". Ringo looks at George like he's a mad man. "I wasn't talking to you", says Ringo, "I was talking to him". Ringo points to the boob sitting in the corner. "Oh", says George as he begins to cry. "There, there, don't cry, I love you George". George mutters a thanks and continues with his music. Meanwhile, John was spending a half an hour looking for sugar for tea. "Talk about a Magical Mystery Tour", says John.

Then a young person(nobody sure if it was a man or woman), named Bourke, walked in. Seeing George's agony, Bourke decides that she/he should give him some support.

But why do Oasis always have to spoil the fun? Coz` the walks in Liam, Alan White, and Paul McGuigan. "Who are you?" asked John Lennon after he finally found his sugar. "I thought you were dead, Mr. Lennon," replied Alan White. "Well, everyone thought Elvis was dead, and look, here he is!" Liam chimed as he points at Paul McGuigan. "Liam!" Paul.G cried in a flabber gasted voice, "Put on your bloody glasses, fool". So thats what Liam did. "Oh, its you Guigsy. Maybe I should wear these more often. "Hello, I am Marilyn Manson," and low and behold, there was the Reverend himself, Mr. Manson. John took an instant interest in the young fellow and they sat naked(at Mr. Manson`s request) in a corner, sipping tea and trading philosophies. "But what about me?" cries Guigsy, stranded in the middle of the room. "Nobody cares about you anymore, Elvis. Because everyone thinks you`re dead," says Alan White. "I do not think Elvis is dead, he's at home sleeping in my bed" oh dear Lord, it was the Cat in the Hat. "What if I show you a trick or two? Your mother won`t mind the things that I do!" says the Cat. "What if I show you the bottom of my shoe? My mother won`t mind that" says Guigsy. "All right, all right, if that`s how you feel, I`ll go make a vest out of fleece colored teal" replied the Cat. "Can you make me on too?" ask Mr. Manson.

While the rest of the world were being confused by Oasis, the Bagism gang decided not to be so confused so they didn't include the Oasis people not because they were bad (they weren't even good) but they weren't the Beatles, they weren't even as big as the Beatles, the weren't even from Liverpool....(The dogs, cats, chickens and stuff is a bit confusing as well) But George decided to take his mates on Holidays to.....

India! Again! George was becoming such a fanatic with India that he wrote a song, an Indian song, with Indian lyrics, (well, it went CUURRRYYY!!! CUUURRRRYY!!!). Paul, who didn't understand what was so great about India, wrote a song. It was called No Pakistanis, which indirectly said that Paul thought George was an idiot, him and his Indians, (Indians being replaced by Pakistanis). Paul then recorded a backwards message, which when played backwards, would have to be played backwards again to hear the message...No one heard it, and No Pakistanis was dropped from the next album.

No Pakistanis, which was supposedly kept top-secret from the rest of the world, was most unfortunatly later discovered by George. The "backwards" message (which actually only had to be played forward to be heard), was listened to by none other than... Eric Clapton, who was in love with George's wife Patti. So to break Patti and George up, Eric let George listen to the message which said that he and his Hindu minion were complete bloomin' idiots. The tape was marked to George from Patti. The final divorce agreement went something like this: George gets absolutly nothing, except their joint collection of acid and hash; which he was later arrested for. back to the story... Suddenly, the glass in the bathroom window began to shatter. So, again, Paul announced "Beatles to Battle"!!! And off they went trying to find the culprit, who was none other than the notorious Yoko Ono. She had been singing again. Paul, most annoyed by John's new lover's glass shattering voice left with the rest of the Beatles, minus John. They were most stupified at John's insane taste in "women". By the group, Yoko had been deemed the "dragon lady". They were not on and "acid high" when they came up with this name. She was not purple either. Just then, when the Beatles thought that everything was alright, Yoko became highly upset with her new hubby's friends. She then cast a Japaanese spell which sent all four of the fab four back in time to... The making of a Hard Day's Night... John was playing in the bath tub withhis clothes on. Then, George walked into the room, and John said...

"HELP ME!!!! I'm Meellltttinnng...." or wait, mabye that was the wicked witch....

Then Paul and Linda come and write that they will protest with fans about animal cruelty, and they do! "Come gather fans of all the world. Me and Linda have a contest were you can stay with us at a nice hotel in England and protest with us too enter just...

Call 1-800-I'M-AN-IDIOT. (I'm assuming that in the 70's phone numbers had more than 7 didgits) Come later to find out, Linda was actually a dog herself, and that's the only reason why they started an animal activist group. Suddenly, John and Yoko called the phone number to enter... "Hello, I'm an idiot.", said John.

"OH! It's you John! your still with your dragon? maybe we could help you but badly your not a animals...we could maybe put you in the walrus category!!??" - "You would be a real friend if you could come right now Paul! left your pets group and comeback with me in a last Beatles song!" and so Yoko was crying but something interesting finally happens...
She turns into a guy sneaks away and hires Mark Chapman to assasinate John. She's not really Yoko, though. She's the lady on HELP that looks like a man. I guess you can call her Polythene Pam.

Meanwhile, back at the studio, George, shaken by the loss of love by his mates begans to pluck away at his guitar. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps..." he sang. Wha?? John, Paul, and Ringo turn and watch in admiration at George. " He's got something there." Says John. George is playing so intencly that he doesn't realize the others are watching. George stops and the others clap wildly for him. This brings a smile to George's face and a glow to his heart. "Thanks guys!" "You love me! You really Love me!!" That's how a star was born!
Well, naturally, The Beatles, being the peace-loving people they were, obviously let Oasis hang out with them, beucause John thought that Liam was a younger version of him....And Paul got along great with Noel Gallagher, and taught Guigsy many things about the bass that he didn't know.

And then, suddenly John relized... how can we be sitting here talking to this group if they are supposed to be thirty years in the future? At that very second... the members of Oasis disappeared in to thin air, leaving John and the other three Beatles sitting in bewilderment. "well, that was a little odd, doncha think?" Said John... "hah! Maybe when we're old and gray, we'll all go to an Oasis concert, huh fellows?" said Ringo, but everyone just laughed, because no one really took Ringo seriously. "Never mind." said Ringo. "don't be silly," said Paul, "in thirty years, we'll probably all be living on sheep farms, eating only carrots and broccolli. ha ha! Can you imagine?" "Hmmm..." said John, "Imagine...." "In thirty years," continued Paul, "nobody will even remember us anyways." Just then, they all looked at George, who for some unknown reason was humming loudly a song they had never heard before... "....will ya still be sendin me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine...." sang George. "What a great song!" said Paul, "Glad I thought of it!" George looked down at his toes. "Well, I'm ready for some excitement, how 'bout you fellas?" Said John. They all agreed to go to the restaurant down the street for some milk and cookies.

"Chocolate chip is my favorite!" announced Ringo. The other Beatles agreed, and they quickly found a seat back in the corner. "You know, fellas, we should get out of the studio more," said Paul. "All this overdubbing has been exhausting!" Nobody responded, however. John was lost deep in thought as he gazed out the window. Finally, John awoke from his dream. "I've got it! It's fantastic! I've just seen a wondrous vision, my friends! And there isn't a moment to waste!" As his Beatle pals eagerly listened, John described his newest creative idea...

"Yes, I have the most perfect idea. We should get a large bathtub at our next concert, and fill it with the most obscure foods. Then we should each get in, roll around then body surf throught the crowd. The only problem is, is that if we're covered in all that slippery goo, we'll just slip out of everyones fingers." explains John.

"What's body surfing?" Paul inquired with a hint of a smile, "It sounds fun!" John, with a glint in his eye laughed, "Aw, it won't be invented for another twenty years or so. Shit, there goes that idea." And they all sat around looking dejected for a while. Searching for ideas, John turned on the BBC, and out came Act 4, Scene VI of Shakespeare's King Lear. "I know thee well, a servicable villain!" "Dutious to the vices of thy mistress as badness would desire" "What? Is he dead? Sit you down father, rest you." "That's it!" John cried, and he ran over to the piano and began to fiddle around at the keyboard for a minute. "Give this a listen fellas!" "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together...."

Paul walked in holding the hand of a strange girl.

What? Not again. God, Paul and these strange girls.................. Well, this time the strange girl was Not Yoko, but John's X-wife Cynthia. "What the hell are you doing with HER?" John screamed at Paul. John was sitting on the sofa with Yoko. "I'd like to ask you the same thing!" Paul yelled twice as loud looking directly at Yoko. "Please don't call my husband stupid" Yoko said. "What? What the Hell are you talking about?" Paul yelled twice as loud. " I didn't call ANYONE stupid, I think your head is a little SCREWED!" Paul yelled twice as loud again. Just then George arrived back from India with Pattie (who had finally come to her senses and left Eric Clapton) "Hey Man," George speaks to Paul, "Peace, okay.....om......" Just then John got a wonderful idea......

"Let's have an ORGY!!!" John screamed in a voice twice as loud as Paul could EVER scream. "Good idea" everyone agreed so they did. but then...

Oasis travelled back in time (because they had nothing better to do, as they SUCKED) and asked if they could join the orgy. "No way!" Paul got up off the sofa where he had been with...

YOKO!! " EWWWWWWWWWWW" Paul screamed! I can't believe what I just did!!!! The orgy was over. Everyone left. Then the Beatles remembered the girl who had come in through the bathroom window. "Linda!" Paul screamed. He ran in to see if she was still there. She was. "I love you," he said. "Are you a vegetarian?" she asked. "I can be," said Paul. They went and got married and had many.....

Happy Christmases together in Scotland. Infact, one Christmas Eve they were so bored that they decided to invite all the Beatles and their wives up for Christmas. So they called them, and they all arrived 2 hours later. George came with......

his wife Olivia who was wearing a FUR coat. "Oh my god!!" yelled Linda when she realized how many poor little defenceless minks must have been killed to make that jacket. "Good one, George!" Paul snarled at George. "NOW look what you've done!" "What?" George asked. Linda was going through so much trauma after seeing all those dead minks that she decided to jump out the window...

"NOOOOOO" Paul screamed as he saw Lindas body dissappear from the windowsill. "It's all your fault!" He yelled at poor Olivia who had no idea WHAT was going on. Just then the doorbell rang...

Paul went to answer the door. "I'm crying" he said. He opened the door. It was John carrying Linda! "Merry Christmas, Paul, look who I happened to CATCH on the way here." "LLLLIIIINNNNDDDDAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Paul screamed twice as loud, yet again. You could hear him across the universe. " I think you'd better lose the jacket, Olivia, Dear." George said. Olivia threw the jacket into the snow outside Just as Ringo and Maureen arrived...

Since Linda had an extremely short memory, she forgot all about Olivia's fur coat and suicide attempt. So everyone was able to hang their stockings and go to bed in peace. But then, in the middle of the night......

A slim santa came down the chiminey. Except he was wearing black, and had a mask over his face. And his sack was empty rather than full. John, being the light sleeper he was, woke up. "Hallo!" he said to the slim Santa. "Merry Xmas! Want some coffee?" The robber ripped off his mask to reveal none other than...

Julian Lennon! "Daddy! Your alive!" "Of cource I am, and Elvis is too." said John. "Really?" said Julian. Then Paul woke up, and the minute he saw Julian he broke into song. "Hey Jude, don't let me down..." But then someone else came down the chimney...

It was 12 bats followed by those damn Oasis members. The bats flew right at the group and all of them ran. "AHHHHHH!!!!! BATS! BATS!" yelled Yoko who was grabbing her head and sreaching. Paul McGuigan was the last one out of the chimney. Well, Noel had to pull him down because it seemed he had ate one to many scornes. The bats continued to fly in the room and attack the group. George who was meditating continued to sit there in his oblivium. Paul ran to his bedroom and got a baseball bat as Julian and John had become the unbeatble bat beating team. They armed themselves with a guitar and started swating at the air. Meanwhile. Liam, Noel, Bonehead, Guigsy, and Alan all watched as John acidently hit Linda in the back of her puny little head and knocked her out just as a bat landed on her head. "OOPSIE!!!" john said looking down at Linda on her BEARSKIN rug. Paul ran down the stairs and tripped on his shoe lace on the way down. Liam broke out his tamberine and started to play it. Guigsy seeing that something was lacking pulled a banjo out and started to pluck the strings. Noel finding inspiration within himself started to thinx up a song in his head. "There" Noel sang outloud. "There's a bat in the house" Noel sang again. "And it's got two wings, like duckies do" Alan added. Well, while Guigsy played his banjo and Liam played his sacred tamberine and Noel struggled with his song, John and Julian continued to swat at the bats. Julian turned around quickly and accidently hit the still meditating George in the bax of the head knocking him out too. "I THINX I'VE GOT IT!!!" exclaimed a happy Noel. John looked at him "Got what!?!?", john swag again. "Okay, it goes like this man" Noel said clearing his throat "There's a bat, a bat that's black, and it's got two eyes..." Noel sang for ten minutes and in later years published this called "Wonderbat", which sold millions of copies....
"it is a wonderfull book it is it is! Whay do you think Paul?" asked John. " I think it is fab." said paul. "Well, it makes me wonder, could i play the sitar with it?" George said. "Dont be so daft!" said ringo. "i love it! the beatles should sing it at there next concert." sugested Juilan "gear!" said John "Fab!" said Ringo "Okay!" said Goerge. Then Paul said, "Why dont we have a roof top concert." "But what roof should we use?" questioned Ringo. "ON TOP OF APPLE! We could play the song there." added John. "then george maritn said,"Great, tomarrow then." They all aggreed and it was. Untill and awful thing happend.......

Yoko and Linda dicided they wanted to sing with them too! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! It's not that they were bad people but they WERE bad singers. "Well, lets give them a try", said John and Paul. So they let Linda and Yoko practice with them in rehersal. They knew it wouldn't work when, while the first practice session was in progession, the Beatles ears started bleeding and all the glass in the building broke. "Sorry, but I don't think this will work", they said. So then Linda went and ate vegetables with the sheep and Yoko dressed up like a witch and went to a circus.

but soon yoko got bored and went out for a strole . While out on the strole she got some paint and went home. But what would she paint she sat as she thought , then John walked in and it hit her I'll do a human painting

While all was happening, Noel was still singing, Liam was still do nothing, bats was still fly and the "pore" Beatles wifes were still crying to lead the band and Paul was still screaming loudly than ever... but Yoko as allways was not doing the same that everybody. She was not crying to lead because she known that when she had married John she had begin to lead...she was only paint..and John was her model. He was nude on the table, sit as a David statue and she painted... Badly, John had never liked to be place as a statue..he like action..he is allways nervous...he like to talk...(his inspired time excepted.) and so he become a little impatient. Yoko was furious because he was allways changed his position so she begin to exprim to him her mind in the more sweet way that she was able...(not so sweet!!!)

Then Ringo came along with his magic drumstick, and said, "I can fix everything with me magic drumstick!" And with a wave of his magic drumstick Linda and Yoko had beautiful voices, and they could lead the rooftop concert. Everything was going fine until those Oasis people interfered and claimed they were better then the Beatles AND their wives. They all were mad and really wanted to kill Oasis, but of cource violence isn't the answer, so Ringo just waved his magic drumstick and sent Oasis back to their own time.

Unfortunately, due to a malfunction, Oasis got sent back to the making of A Hard Day's Night. Liam looked around. "Everything's in fooking black and white!" he shouted. Then they saw a crowd of girls running in their direction. "Hey!" Noel said. "What's going on..."

Not to worry, however. The girls ran right past the members of Oasis and clung tightly to John, Paul, George, and Ringo. "You guys are the best!" They screamed. "Your music is great--we could NEVER love anyone else!" Oasis walked away in shame. "Well, we're not that bad, are we?" muttered John with a big grin. "It's been wunderful to chat with you ladies, but we've got another song to do!" said Paul as the Fab Four made their way to the familiar EMI Abbey Road Studios.

"Stupid bloody tuesday man," muttered John, one very English morning, or so it seemed. Actually it was really quite sunny, which irritated him and Yoko, so they pretended it was rainy. Also, John wasn't really insulting anyone, he was mourning the death of Paul, in backwards sort of way. Meanwhile, on the other side of things, Davey Jones struggled to say "wow" backwards, but without avail. "Oh, well, theres always Marsha" he thought. But back to that (seemingly) English morning, where John sat on a cornflake................................................. Suddenly George showed up, with four remarkabley familiar people. He called them Rutles, whatever that was suposed to mean.
But, when the "fake Rutles" pulled off their masks, it just happened to be those sneaky little Oasis members again, hiding out..... "Come on, guys!! Give us a chance, dont send us back! We PROMISE we'll behave, just let us hang with you guys for a while...Okay?" Liam pleaded........ John and Paul looked at each other, then shook their heads yes... "On ONE condition, guys, okay?" John said, while looking at the 5 of them.... "Sure, you name it," Noel said, putting the finishing touches on "Wonderbat"... "You guys just be cool, hang with us, and don't say anything about being the next Beatles, okay?" Paul said. "Alrighty then," said quiet Paul McGuigan..... So the 9 of them went back to Paul's house, to have a little fun, and party for a while....

Then the party turned into a movie! It just happened to be filmed by an unknown producer. But it was released in the Beatles time, so no one knew who these Oasis people were, so it was very confusing, and it had no plot and the critics hated it, but everyone else loved it so it doesn't really matter what those damn critics think anyway. By the way, this movie was called...

BONEHEAD'S BANK HOLIDAY!

She Came in through the Bathroom window... (a documentary) The movie confused a lot of people, but they were all good about it because they'd heard that it was a movie to trip by. The movie got bad reviews, everyone loved it though, and due to an incredibly cute scene involving Paul and spam, Paul to this day must run in fear of imbalanced fans in search of Macca's Hancock on a can of spam. As a result of the early days of spamtlemania Paul said, "I just can't do it" and some mysterious voice said "But the cases have been brought hours ago, Paul" when John said "there you go!, now I know how we can get away from those spamtlemaniacs!" So everyone set off, leaving the members of Oasis to ponder where we were while they were getting high and the origin of the mysterious voice. So George said, "I think we should do something we've never done before.", and Paul said "Splendid!, what do you suggest?" I think we should all get on board this bus with a lot of weird people. And with a REALLY FAT LADY, perhaps even a monkey or two. Then John said, that's great, but where are we going to get a fat lady? Then Ringo piped up "I've got an Aunt who is really fat." So off they went. They grabbed the large lady and all piled into the bus. John got really tired and fell asleep and waking up, and taking the lady by the arm said, how would you like for to have some spaghetti? She nodded yes and they walked off. Then all of a sudden Paul got a great idea! Why don't we make a movie out of our little trip? (without all those Oasis people that no one knows about yet to confuse everyone) George, who was stirring his non-dairy creamer into his coffee said, "sounds great!" and picked up his sitar and started plunking. Ringo, feeling a little left out, demanded that he get to do the filming, and Paul conceded and everyone was happy.

But of course, The Beatles, sticking to their earlier agreeement with Noel, Liam, Guigsy, Bonehead, and Alan, had to take them along..........And so The Beatles and Oasis set out on a Magical Mystery Tour......

"What the fook do you mean G&T hasn't been invented yet?" screamed Liam, as John gave him some tea. Paul (Macca) was writing a song with Noel, and suddenly said, "Hey! I've got this great bassline for a song." Noel replied, "Hey, i recognise that, that's Come Together." "Don't be silly," said Paul, "that hasn't been even written yet." Liam, who was really out of it because of the non-alchoholic trip, screamed "WHAT THE FOOK IS THIS BAND!!! WHERE'S THE ACID? WHERE'S THE BOOZE? WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS SENSIBLE STUFF? THIS BAND IS THE SADDEST FOOKING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! OF COURSE WE'RE BIGGER THAN THE BEATLES!!! WE JUST..." *blip* And that was the end of Oasis

Just then a girl busted into the room, screaming louder than Paul ever had. "You've destroyed bloody Oasis!!" she screeched. "Yeah, and I'm glad of it!!!" yelled Paul without remorse. "Actually so am I" said the girl, calming down."I never did like them,only my friends had me brainwashed. But you'll forgive me won't you? I did'nt mean to be disloyal," she said. "Okay, well I suppose so,"grumbled Paul. Then the girl ran over to George and cooed," You are the most beautiful lad I have ever clapped eyes upon" and gave him a mighty kiss. This made Olivia pretty mad so she ran at the girl, whose name was Becky by the way, and attempted to kill her. Becky simply said"you fur-wearing maniac!!!" which set Linda and Paul at Olivia's throat. They tossed her out the window and John did'nt bother to run after her. "Do you really think I'm the most beautiful lad you've ever clapped eyes upon?" asked George in wonder. "Yes of course I do! You are quite lovely." So they decided to get married now that George was a widower and Paul and Linda were awaiting trial in the docks.

Luckily (well, maybe not) Paul and Linda escaped to swim with the dolphins. In other news, George grew out his hair in order to look more beautiful, and, in a struugle to draw attention, Ringo shaved all of his off. While all this was going on, John and Yoko sat in bed with bags over their heads, or at least thats what everyone thought. Actually, they had left manniquins in their place, and were hiding out in Japan. Before too long, Paul and Linda left their dolphin friends (which were now veggies) and returned to dry land to have some fun in the courtroom, with all the other Beatles, and anyone else with cash. George found the real Rutles, which opened a company called Rutle Corps, despite George's warnings. For years and years, people helped them selves, just as they had with Apple Corps. Davey Jones still struggled to say "wow" backwards, and looked in the yellow pages for a cheap attorney. He also went to several art shows, being tired with Marsha and all. Ringo decided no one listens to bald men.

With all of this the Beatles had almost forgotten who they were when one day Yoko was kidnapped and taken off to where else but Foorkle (you know, the Island with all those extra-terrestrial Beatle-haters and this narrator's dad). John didn't find out about it till one day when he picked up the phone to hear a strange voice say "We have Yoko and we won't give her back until we have given her a total vocal-chordectomy." John thought this over for a bit and said "well, maybe we should just let you do that.". Then the aliens said "Well, not only will we take out her vocal cords, but we will also chop off all her hair and give her a new style!". John thought about it for a bit and said, "Tell you what old chap; why don't you call me back after you get done with your cuttings, alright?" and he hung up the phone. He sat back down again to relax when the Aliens called back and said, "Well, we've decided that we will kill her too, just to make you mad!". This DID make John mad because what would his life be if he had no one to scream and make movies with! John immediately got on the phone and called up Paul. He told him about the voice thing and Paul said, "Great! when will she be healed? I want to go sing for her. Then she won't be able to sing along! It'll be like the old days!" Then John hysterically explained about the hair thing and Paul said, "Why are you screaming John? If they make her like that we might even be able to record together again!" Then finally, tearfully, John explained about the killing thing when Paul started laughing uncontrollably into the phone. "Ha! Those aliens call that a threat! Funny! what's next, are they going to threaten to make her wear a bra? That's hilarious John! Where do you come up with this stuff?" Then John said, "No Paul, this is all real! And we can't let them kill her because we need her to go on Mad About You and make a movie with Paul Buchman! And the worst part is they're going to kill her JUST TO MAKE ME MAD. This, Paul couldn't take. "Those damn aliens! They don't dare try to make you mad. Let's get the other two and George's new girl. I'll grab Linda, and let's set off for foorkle!

So John called Ringo and Paul called George and they took their women off to Foorkle. When they got there they found Yoko tied to a tree while an alien with a big knife was standing next to her. John and the other Beatles tried to run over and save her but the other aliens had them surrounded. Just then Ringo let out a big "Hiiiiiiiiya!" and karate chopped an alien right over the head. You see, after Ringo shaved all of his hair off he realized that was pretty dumb, so he ran away to China and learned how to beat the crap out of aliens Chinese style. Well this worked and soon all the aliens were on the ground. That is, except for the one with the knife. So Ringo, Paul and George ganged up on him while John untied Yoko. Then there was a big BAM! and the alien was dead.

Ok so the aliens were indeed dead and Yoko was miraculously alive. They had been in time to save her neck, but not her hair though. Before the aliens tied Yoko to the tree , you see, they had chopped off all her hair until it was all spiky and stiff. John looked in astonishment at the new Yoko and ran his fingers through her hair. "OUUUCCCHHHH!" screamed John and when he took his hand out of the mess of black hair he noticed that they were really economy size thorns!!! The aliens had turned Yoko's head into a porcupine!!! No one really knew the difference anyway...

"Your hair is as bad as mine!" declared Ringo. "It doesn't matter," said John,"All you need is love!" "Let's go to India to meditate," suggested George. But by accident, they actually went to the future, the 90's. They were surprised to see that a million girls were chasing them even 20 years after they broke up. "Hey, I didn't know we broke up!" said George. "That's cuz it hasn't happened yet!" said John. "Then how come you know?" asked George. "I don't, the narrator just put those words into my mouth!" Any way, Oasis, (who somehow escaped when Paul tried to kill them) became very angry since nobody liked them anymore. Why would anybody settle for pathetic little wanabes when they could have the real Beatles? Oasis wanted revenge. So they wrote a crappy song and said the Beatles wrote it. Then people didn't like the Beatles, they thought they were as bad as Oasis! But don't worry, people began to like the Beatles again because...

Then John dropped his magical mystery box accidently. "Oooooooooooooppps uh oh boo hoo gee wiz!!!!!" he said.Then a monster named Liamnoel popped up it had 2 heads and a huge ego. Then a giant lipped alien named Mickasaurus Jex popped out. Then Yoko said "I notice something fishy"."I am bigger and better than you!" Then Liamnoel put gigantic laser glasses on. Then Paul through and anvil at them and said " You better carry that weight!".The stubornness of the 2 monsters made it impossible to hear so they were then mushed back into the box.

But after all that commotion The Beatles wanted a vacation. So they went to some city in the US where everybody bought Beatles albums but didn't worship them, so they wouldn't accidently bring John a policeman with no head for dinner. At least, that's what they thought. So they were walking down the street where everybody just ignored them. Then they saw a girl standing there, not moving, just staring. She was wearing bell-bottom pants and a paisley shirt and el cheapo rip-off Birkenstocks and she had long clean brown hair. She wasn't smiling. She was staring straight at George and giving him a case of the willies. They couldn't go around her 'cause the sidewalk was too skinny and the road was full of speeding cars, so they just kinda looked back at her. "Please get out of our way." they said. She just shook her head. "C'mon, man, let us pass." but she just shook her head. All except George started to yell at her to get out of the way when George said, "She's the quiet one" and since George doesn't talk much the others stopped yelling and looked at him and said, "what???" "She's the quiet one." George repeated. "Most of our fans scream and yell or wanna talk at least, she just sits there. She's the quiet one, get it???" And the other Beatles got it, and the girl started to smile. It was like 20 questions now. "Do you want an autograph or something??" "Wanna talk?" "Well, what do you WANT??" but she just smiled and shook her head and stared at George. Then George smiled and said, "Are you around my son Dhani's age?? You look it." And then she started to nod. "Do you want to meet him?" said George and then she nodded even harder and grinned like a fool. So he took her to where Dhani was (narrator's note: If anyone knows what Dhani actually looks like, could you post on the web board???) and then she started to talk. "hello" was the first thing she said, and she had a beautiful voice and Dhani fell in love with her and they lived happily ever after in George's big huge really weird house full of friars.

So everyone was married and all, and the story pretty much went dead.

Or so some thought... But then Paul thought he'd have everyone over for a Christmas party at the sheep farm. John and Yoko arrived first, in their matching pajamas. Linda had gotten out all the ornaments to decorate the Christmas tree when Yoko went over to her, and grabbed Linda's most favorite ornament, the one with the year her and Paul were married on it, and threw it at the ground. Then she pulled out a bottle of superglue and said, now we can put it back together. Linda, who was hyperventilating, started for Yoko's throat with outstrectched hands. Paul ran over and held her back, trying to keep the peace. Linda snarled at him, "Let me go, Paul! I'm going to beat her to a pulp!!"

"You can't do that, Linda!" Paul pleaded with her. "They're our guests!" "But that's *my* ornament! My Favorite ornament! How dare she!" Linda screamed. "WELL!" said John. "We did not come here to be attacked Macca. Until your psycho wife can get it together, we're leaving!" Now Paul was angry. "*My* psycho wife?! No, I believe *she* holds that title!" Just then George and his wife walked in with their Xmas gifts. "Oh dear, they're at it again..." he mutttered. "C'mon, let's go Olivia." So the two left the farm. "Geez!" said Ringo as he walked in. "Can't you guys give it a rest?" So then he too left the farm. After awhile, John and Yoko and Paul and Linda calmed down. But the ornament was still broken, and Linda was still very upset. "This Xmas is a disaster." she whined. "We're going home." John said and collected himself and his wife. They got in their car, leaving Paul and Linda in the dust as they sped away. "Where should we go now?" Yoko asked John. "I dunno...how about New York?" "OK, to New York!" she said cheerfully. But little did they know that in New York was terrible man. A man who didn't think that John had much time left on this earth...and he was waiting for them outside their house when they got home. But the man was taken by surprise when instead of succeeding in his horrible plan....

Aw, you're all daft!

Well, actually, we would have to end the story if John a-hem, well, died. So, by miracle, they got on the wrong plane, and ended up living in the New York building, somewhere in the Dakotas. Sooner or later they got bored, so Linda and her sheep showed up in a desperate plot to bring the story back to life.

The Beatles all walked into the room in bikini tops and bottoms. John suddenly walked up to him and said "give us a kiss" and he threw up his hands and ran away screaming." AAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHH! They've gone buzzy!" "Thanks , Ringo" said John and Ringo waved his magic wand and....................
Mick Jagger appeared and the four were still in bikinis. Ringo Got mad and pulled at the monsterous lips. "Them lips is made of Silly Putty eh?" So he tore them off and rolled them into a ball and threw them away.........

When the once upon a time Mr. Jagger left around in a waste bin and what did he find inside, but for John! "mick! mick!" John screamed. "Mick, help me! won't you please, please help me!" So Mick reached his mighty arm downeth and said unto John, "Why should I help you when you will not even *try on* one of my bikinis in the shower with me?" So John pondered this thought, and with out replying, offered his good buddy George a piece of pecan pie with ---- coooool whhiiiip! ---- so when George was done John resumed calling for help. When no one would help poor John out of the maid's apron pocket, he decided to start telling Bad Jokes to the persons beelow. "What does one call a dog with wings?" When no one would answer his Bad Jokes, he screamed out to the audience "Linda McCartney!!!!" Suddy when Johhny said that, a floop of winged moondogs clutched John's arms with mighty strength and mightily said to him: "You are beautiful, man, just beautiful" Then each Moondog kissed little Johnny and told him his sup was getting cold, so he'd better go eat up. The end of the chapter report as told by not the Mighty Might And Powerless GREEN SUBMARINE!!!

And then a bunch of rockin' Oasis fans came and beat the living shite out the people that wrote this fookin' shite......
But Ringo zapped them and sent them back to their own time. Suddenly George walked in in a bellydancer's costume. " Come here, Johnny Boy" ...................

And then they came bax. And Liam smashed the shleks over their heads with his magical tamberine. And then he fell in love with this girl and then there was lots of little Liam jr's and the world was a better place. And then Noel met this lady named RRS and became huge drug lords and the world was a better place for crackheads...

But then Ringo tripped over a cord and the Beatles soon found themselves in an alternate universe. It was basically the same as the old one, just Oasis doesn't exist on this one. "To celebrate, let's record a new single", said Paul. "Splendid Idea", said John. So the Beatles crossed the street to meet Sir George Martin at Abbey Road Studios. But there was a slight problem, The Beatles had no idea for a new song!

Then John went off with his fellow Beatles. They traveled for many days and nights in a psychedelic van, until they came to Strawberry fields. Traveling further, they happened upon a little street called Penny Lane. But Sorceress Yoko was watching through a Glass Onion, and the four were instantly transported to a place with many lights. As they walked in, they saw horses and two ladies who introduced themselves as Mrs. K and Mrs. H. John said, "Where are we?" Mrs. K responded, "Why, you're at Pablo Fahnque's Fair."

"cool" John replied. "But where are your husbands?" Paul asked (rather hoping they didn't have any) "Oh Mr. K and Mr. H. are trying to teach Henry The Horse how to waltz.....I haven't the slightest idea why....." Mrs. H said. "Oh, you're married!" Paul was dissapointed. "So are you, stupid!" George reminded him. "Oh yeh! I almost forgot!" Paul said, and with that they all got back to the USSR by way of B.O.A.C. airlines. When they arrived at the airport, Linda was waiting for them with carrots for all. "What should we do now?" Paul asked. "I just got the greatest idea for a song," John said. *zoooooooooooooooom* everyone was back at Abbey Road studios making a record. But then there was a knock on the door....

John rushes to the door. "Hello?". "Hello this is a hi and a sincere Merry Christmas from yours truly Ringo Starr", Ringo says as he stumbles through the door. "Ring why are you wearing that conductors costume?", asks Paul who's sitting in the corner with Sgt. Pepper. Sgt. Pepper twitches his moustache and stares at Ringo. "What are you looking at mister?", Ringo drawls. George gets up and helps Ringo to his chair. " What's wrong with you Ringo?" " Nothing I'm alright, now let's get working". And soon The Beatles were done with their new album, Let It Be. The four lads, having been through some rough times together, decided to head off to Never Never Land and become famous musicians.

WHEN THE BOYS REACHED NEVER NEVER LAND, THEY WERE MOST EXCITED. JOHN DECLARED - WE CAN BE ANYTHING OR NOTHING IN THIS PLACE! PAUL AGREED AND ADVISED THE OTHERS HE WANTED TO BE THE KING OF THE WORLD (THOUGH HE WAS STILL HURT BY GEORGE'S COMMENT THAT HE WAS ROCK MUSIC'S ANSWER TO LIBERACE!) RINGO LOOKED SAD AND THE OTHERS ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG. RINGO REPLIED, " I'VE GOT A HOLE IN ME POCKET." HA,HA,HA! THEY ALL LAUGHED AT HIS PUN. THE LADS STROLLED THROUGH THE WONDROUS FORREST UNTIL THEY CAME UPON A PIRATE IN DRAG! HIS NAME WAS CAPTIAN HOOK AND HE COMMANDED THE BOYS TO STOP AND NOTIFY HIM OF THEIR NAMES AND INTENT IN NEVER NEVER LAND. JOHN REPLIED - "I AM MUSKETEER GRIPWEED AND I AM HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE." PAUL INTERJECTED WITH - "MY NAME IS ROCKY RACCON AND I'M ONLY SLEEPING!" GEORGE ONLY STATED HIS REAL NAME BECAUSE HE DIDN'T FEEL CLEVER THAT DAY! RINGO STATED HE WAS BILLY SHEARS AND HE WAS ONLY THERE BECAUSE OF A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS!

They all jumped in a yellow submarine, and flew off to Pepperland. The blue meanies, hearing Paul whistling a tune, shot down the submarine. The submarine crashed down, and all the Beatles died.
well they would have if it were'nt that the Blue meanies shot them with a pop gun. They just fell and lay in a coma for 100 years. Because John's12th wise woman hadn't spoken yet. She said " he will not die. only lay ina deep sleep for 100 years.

Well, they WOULD have died (Authours note: I think someone is DESPERATELY trying to end this totally- well sort of- GEAR story. BUT WE WON'T LET THEM HAHAHAHA!!!!!!) Well, as I was saying, the Beatles WOULD have died exept that just as the submarine was going to hit the ground, Paul made a great realization. "There are parachutes!" he screamed twice as loud, ONCE again. He put one on, as did the 3 other Beatles. They flew through the sky and met a nice girl there named Lucy, who was wearing a diamond tiara. John was on an acid high so he seemed to think the sky was a marmalade colour. Anyway, when they hit the ground, they realized they were back at Pauls sheep farm in Scotland, and who was standing right in front of them but... Jesus feeling rather less popular then his Dad said he'd be. "Damn"said J.Christ "Why do all these people like you so much more then Me" "Well" stated a leather clad Dr. Winston OBoogie it's been 2000 years since your gig on the mount,what do you expect?""Why don"t you try a comeback tour I hear they're all the rage in America?"asked Ringo. "You Know boys I just might do that very thing"."Yes" contiued the messiah,"a comeback,I'll call myself Steve Earle." And he did.

And ringo wrote a rap: My name is Ringo and I play the drums and you dont play the drums and that is why you are not cool, this is a rap...the Ringo Rap.

Then, like magic, the Beatles get wings. They start *flying* and sing "da da da da daaa". "Maybe we can make a song out of this", said Paul.

"Oh, what kind of song would that be?" asked George. "I'd rather write about squid." "No! Not squid! Octopuses!" raged Ringo.

Well one time John & Ringo were at a park. They see a birds nest and wonder whats inside. Ringo ses " Must be some eggs or shels anyway I'm going to find out!" "No!! You shouldn't there might be abird in there" ses John puling down Ringo. " Well atlies I tried !!"said Ringo disapointly.

And alas,Ringo was disappointed that there weren't any birds so he walked around gloomy all day. George walked over to his friend to try and cheer him up but nothing worked not even chocolate."What is causing my friend to be so depressed?"George asked himself aloud.Then the mystical one walked to his room and meditated for an answer. After a little while of being enlightened and at one with himself,George came upon his apathetic buddy."I have seen the light," George told Ringo "and I have found the root of all this corruption-cuz when you talk about corruption don cha know that you can count me out...in" "I have found this beast-OASIS!!!" He walked into the kitchen and came out with a spoon. "Why don't you use an axe?" Ringo asked. "Because you idiot a spoon will hurt more!!" "Come, let us seek out these unworthy punks and kill!!!!!" Together they walked until they came upon these fags. First, Ringo and George tied a horse to each of their 4 limbs and let them go in all directions making their skin pull really tight.Then,George chuckled as he carved out their vital organs with the now bloody spoon and listened to the soft plop plop sounds as they hit the ground.Then,Ringo cut their eyelids off and covered their heads in honey and poured ants all over watching them crawl through their eyes and other open orfices.George shot them up with battery acid. Next,Ringo got a razor blade and made a tiny slit in the gallagher fags' tongues then pulled each side apart making them choke on the clotting blood. Lastly,the two lads gathered 12 vultures and laughed as they pecked and ripped the flesh apart.The screams could be heard for miles...then the lads gleefully walked home feeling content and satisfied and had a nice dinner.

And I think that some of you guys are really sick, for saying stuff like that about Oasis....Come on guys, get real...That's nasty......
", said the Blue Meanie.

that's when Supersonic walked up to Joplin and looked her right in the eye "Nice dream Jop". Super said and then shook Liam's magic tamberine to turn everything bax to normal. The Beatles are still good and Oasis is still kickin'. Thanx you. Thanx you. That's when Liam and Super pressed charges and Joplin was sent to jail and was known amung such people as the Unibommer and Ted Bunddy....

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Produced by Sam Choukri
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Last updated on May 14, 1998