Bagism: Library

Skywriting -- Apr 11, 1998
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Continued from Apr 10, 1998

It was a bell boy. Wait a minute, it was a bell girl! "Hello, Mr Lennon," she said in a cold tone. "I have been commanded to help you get out of the country." "What. Look, if this is someones idea of a joke then ha ha, but come on, just leave me alone." She gave him a razor sharp look, "Mr Lennon..." "Call me John." "I am not permitted to call you anything but Mr Lennon, Mr Lennon." "look, to hell with this, I'm going" He slammed the door and saunted over his bed. He was just about to lie down when the door got kicked in. "holly sh......" Then all went black.

He opened his eyes. Blood was running down the side of his head. He could smell a strange disenfectant smell. He slowly lifted his head. His neck ached. He saw a man sitting on a seat in the corner of the room asleep. HE had the word SECURITY sewn onto the pocket of his blazer. John knew he was in trouble, he wasn't in hospital, this was to official looking to be a hospital. He gently got up and silently walked to the security gaurd. Next to him there was a table with a file on it. The file had CONFIDENTIAL scrawled all over it. He opened it and was surprised to see a picture of himself staring back. Underneath it was written in red, bold letters, TARGET. John heard a low hum behind him. He swiveled around and saw a wall of television screens behind the bed. There were pictures on them of the inside of a building. 'This one" he guessed.To the very left of the wall was a camera. The little red button was flashing. John moved over to the right and the camera followed him. 'Oh no' he said. A little to loudly...

"Zat is vright, Mr Lennon" one of the husky secturity men boomed in a German accent. John stared at him. "What are you going to do with me now?" The man narrowed his eyes at him. But before he could reply...

everything went black. Again. When John woke up the security guard was standing over him, smiling evilly. "Mr. Lennon?" John shrank away. "No, PLEASE!"

OH NO, Boys and Girls! John's been captured by the Nazi's!! Why are they here? What do they want from John? How will John ever escape? And WHERE is a streetcar when you really need one????? Tune in next week- same John-time, same John-channel!!!!!

Came a strange voice. "What the hell?" said John. "Nazis?!" The husky german smiled devilishly at him. "Zat is vright" John was bewildered. "But what do you want from me?" he asked. but just as the man was about to say something, the steel door to the room crashed open, and who would appear but...

Paul and 15 units of the Ilha do Noronha Police force. "There's your man! Take them away boys!" Paul yelled with a smile on his face. "PAUL!!!" John screamed. He was so happy he wasn't about to be turned into nazi meat, he didn't care if he sounded too enthusiastic. for once, he was GLAD to see Paul. They untied John, and he and Paul walked back to the hotel. John found out from Paul that his kidnapping was part of some daft plan for the nazis to take over the world again. "They really thought you were Jesus" Paul laughed. When they arrived back at John's hotel room...

A girl walked up to Paul in the hallway and told him that she was taking him to court for a paternity case. "WHAT?!" Paul's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "NO! IT'S NOT MY BABY! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS! I JUST CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS!" John had never seen Paul so upset. "Paul, calm down man" he said as he tried to grab Paul by the shoulders, to keep him from hyper-ventalating. "NO!!!!!" Paul was sobbing as he threw himself to the ground for yet another temper tantrum. "Shit" John muttered as he looked at the sad excuse for a best friend lying in front of him... Then he got hit by a streetcar.

John peeled himself up from the ground. "Paul, come on!" Paul looked up at John. "Oh, what do you know." "Paul," John groaned, fed up with this whole thing, "you can get your blood tested! Then we'll all know it's not yours!" Paul stopped crying. "Really?"

"Yes," John said, pulling Paul off the floor. "We just have to wait until she takes you to court, and then you can pretend this blood test thing was all your idea, and we can all forget about this." Paul smiled. "Yeah." A week later, Paul was in court. Things were not going well; Paul had been so nervous he'd wet his pants right before the trial began and his girlfriend had had to dry them with her blow dryer. They all sat in the courtroom now. "Paul," the judge began, "do you have anything to say for yourself?" John poked Paul in the ribs. "Ask her about the tests, Paul!" he hissed.

"Uhhhhh," babbled Paul. "Yeah. Tests. Uhhhh...." Then he passed out. He woke to find himself in a magical land filled with talking penguins and purple skies. Then he got hit by a technicolor streetcar.

"Lalala," Paul sang. "This is much better than court." He danced around happily, eating pink bananas and chatting with a penguin. Then, he heard some voices. "Paul? Paul, you all right?" That was John, and he heard "Mr. McCartney? Can you hear me?" from a judge he remembered from somewhere. The magical land disappeared, and he found himself on the floor, sourrounded by lots of people in a drab, colorless room. John was shaking him. "Paul?... oh, look, he's come to. Hey there, Paulie!" His attorney bent down and hissed "What in God's name was THAT for?" in Paul's ear. Paul sat up. "What happened?" John shook his head. "Oh, honestly, Paul. If you'd forgotten what to say you could have at least come up with a better excuse!"

"well" the judge went on. "Obviously Mr McCartney is not in a condition to be in my courtroom this morning. court is adjourned until tomorrow afternoon - but Mr McCartney better have pulled himself together by then" he said sternly. John dragged Paul, who was still in a daze, home with him. After John slammed the door in the curios reporters' faces, Paul went into the sun room, threw himself onto the ground and had another tantrum. John felt completely helpless and out of control. Just as he was about to call an asylum...

When Dorkus walked in. OH YES! thought John as he ran over and scooped her up in his arms. "OH, DORKUS, i've never been happier to see anyone in my life!" She looked at him quizically. "Paul's out of control - i don't know what to do. You have such a way with him..." She jumped out of his arms and ran into the sun room where she found Paul on the ground, flipping out. she walked over to him. "Paul?" he looked up and stopped screaming long enough to say "Dorkus!" but the silence didn't last long, and he was back to yelling out obscenities. "Now if you stop crying, i'll give you a cookie..." Dorkus told him...

Paul was scared. He felt trapped. In one fluid motion Paul leaped out of his chair and onto the table suddenly brandishing a kitana. "BACK! GET BACK, ALL OF YOU!" he screamed. Paul leaped from the table and ran out of the sun room, stopping only to give his phone number to a pretty blond reporter by the garden.

That made Paul even more upset. "WHAT? DO YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF FOOKIN' BABY WHO YOU CAN CONTROL WITH TREATS? GOD, DORKUS. NOT YOU. OH, GOD, JUST GET OUT OF HERE!" Dorkus looked at John, helpless. "It always worked before..." she said, but quickly shut herself up because Paul was glaring at her. Paul stood up and started smashing Cyn's antique teacup collection, and throwing chairs. Just as John thought he was gonna have to call in the hell's angels, Dorkus approached Paul, who was at this point, red in the face, and growling...

"Who the hell is this Dorkus?" wondered John and why is she in this story. "TOO MANY CHARACTERS!" he screamed. Then Dorkus was hit by several streetcars until she was ground into itty bitty pieces of Dork meat. Her name would never again be mentioned.......

She walked up and slipped her arms around his waist. Instead of smacking her one (which was what John thought he was about to do) Paul put his arms around Dorkus. "Now that's better" she smiled at him. "And if you stop this, i'll let you do things to me" Paul grinned. "Okay, upstairs then?" She nodded. And so they walked past an unbelieving John (what had just happened here?) and proceeded up the stairs. John didn't follow them, but had a pretty good idea of what was going on, seeing as the walls in his house were not very sound proof...

"SLOW DOWN AND STICK TO THE STORY" screamed John at whoever that is who won't stop adding stuff. "There are OTHER people besides you here!!!" He wished that that inconsiderate person be hit by several streetcars.

and they were and all was well... so anyway, where was that person? yeah, so John is sitting downstairs hearing un-wanted noises from upstairs when...

Suddenly his front door was kicked in. "FREEZE! IMMIGRATION!" yelled several large men with big machine guns. Before he could protest, they picked up John and had him deported to Zekeland.

"How am I gonna get back to America?" John wondered. He looked around. Zekeland wasn't all that bad, actually. Lots of places to shop, fancy restaurants, clean air to breathe, the whole lot of it better than John had remembered New York.

John walked into an ice cream parlor and got himself a triple chocolate-savoy truffle cone with sprinkles and sat down on a park bench to eat it.

Then Kate Moss walked by. John didn't realize that she was a super model, or that she was friends with Paul's DAUGHTER (quite a large age difference...) so he thought he'd go and try to give her a pull. He walked up to her. "Hey there sexy lady" he said in an incredibly cheese-ball voice. "What?" she said in her upper-class british accent, eyeing him up and down with an exasperated look on her face...

Then they went off and made passionate love in a meadow. "I LIKE Zekeland!" thought John.

Kate took him back to her studio, and introduced him to someone. "Hey, John, i'd like you to meet my friend Stella. She's a designer" John looked over to see a really attractive (or at least HE thought) red-head approaching him. "Hi there" she smiled at him. "Hi Stella. Nice digs you got here babe" he said in his sleazy-seductive voice. Stella liked it. She liked this guy a lot. But not as much as he liked her...

But just then, a voice from above came and told John that he only had 5 minutes left in Zekeland. He must get back on the bench from which he came, or he would never be allowed to get back to London ever again. "But i was liking Zekeland so much! and all these chicks!" he said. Then he got an idea. He asked Stella if she'd like to come back to London with him. She obliged. (he was SO sexy!) so she and John got back on the bench just in time to be WHOOOSHED back to London, where they found themselves sitting in #2 abbey road studios... just then Paul walked in...

He stopped dead in his tracks, staring at John and Stella who were holding hands. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but no sound came out. When he finally found his voice again, he was exasperated. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?!!" he screamed at John. "YOur DAUGHTER?" JOhn was very confused...

Then it hit him. "Stella McCARTNEY???" he gasped. "Why didn't you TELL me?" "Who are you?" she asked. Paul cut in. "That's John Lennon, my band mate, and he's at least twice your age, dear."

"Who cares?" Stella whined. "You're always trying to ruin my fun, daddy!" Then they went off and made passionate love in a meadow.

Stella wanted to move in with John, so she did. If there was one thing her dad had taught her, it was to do it with whoever you want, whenever you want. So she did. The next day John when walked into the studio... without any pants...

Continued on Apr 12, 1998

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