Bagism: Library

Skywriting -- Apr 10, 1998
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Continued from Apr 09, 1998

John's plane landed near Ilha do Noronha a few hours later. "Now, for some real R&R," John thought. He could take a well-deserved vacation and come home fully rested. He put on his swim trunks and hurried outside. A lawn chair and towel, with JOHN LENNON embroidered on them, awaited him. "Boy, Luiza thinks of everything, doesn't she!" John exclaimed. He stretched out, soaking up the warm rays of sunshine happily.

Later he decided to go for a swim. He splashed about in the water until after he resembled a prune. He was a powerful swimmer and had always enjoyed it. He went deep down into the transparent blue waters and found a quarter. What a vacation this was turning out to be. When he tired of swimming he stretched out on his towel and buried himself in "Primal Scream, Primal Therapy" by some Dr. Janov.

This was turning out to be the best holiday he had ever been on. No groupies knew the number of his hotel room, no wife or kid to nag at him, no annoying hotel staff. Just the sun and the pool and Dr. Janov, he smiled to himself through his sunglasses. Just then a certain dark-haired musician friend of his appeared through the patio doors.John almost dropped his book when he recognized Paul. In sunglasses, with an un-identified blonde on his arm, signing autographs for the hotel staff. "Bloody hell!!!" John said in a shouted whisper when he could find the breath. "This is going to ruin everything" he thought just as...

Paul got hit by a streetcar.

"THANK YOU!!" John shouted happily after the departing streetcar. Then he put his sunglasses on, put down the book and took a loooooong peaceful nap.

When he woke up a few hours later the sun was beginning to set, turning the sky a blissful red. John opened his eyes. He was nearly as red as the sunset. All that sun had cooked him as he slept. John began to sit up and yelped in pain. "Ow! God, I've been sunburnt to a crisp!" He carefully wrapped his towel around himself and went back to his hotel room. "Ow, damn it! Best vacation I ever had, and even it's trying to destroy me!"

Once in the hotel room, he shed the towel, and his trunks, and filled the tub up with cool water. "There's no damn way I'm going to let anything get to me on this vacation!" he vowed, as he slunk into the water. Just then there was a Knock on the door.

"Fuck 'em," he muttered. "I'm resting." Then he heard the door knob jiggle, and realized he hadn't locked it when he'd come in from the pool. The door opened and then closed, while John sat, as quiet as possible, hoping they'd go away. They didn't, and he knew who it was before they even stepped into the bathroom

It was Paul.

"John!" he exclaimed in his ever-cheerful voice. "What a surprise to see you here!" John just stared at him, from where he sat, pants down, on the toilet. Paul stood there looking confused as to why John was giving him a strange look. He then realized. "Oh" he said as John reached for some toilet paper. "I'll just be in the room, then" he said as he closed the bathroom door and made a hasty retreat...

When John finally emerged, somewhat reluctantly from the bathroom, he found Paul and the same blonde from before (or at least he assumed she was) on the loveseat making out. John cleared his throat loudly, and the girl nearly jumped off Paul's lap (but not quite). "Oh!" Paul said, tell-tale lipstick smudges all over his face. "John, this is Dorkus" John burst out laughing. "Good, one, Paul! DORKUS? HAHAHA!!" But Paul and the girl just sat there, staring at him. "No, John, that's her NAME" John just continued laughing. "Yeah, sure, OKAY, PAUL!" he said sarcastically. "That's a good one! haha!" But just then, Dorkus pulled away from paul's death grip, and ran into the bathroom, sobbing. John looked at Paul, puzzled.

Paul was glaring at him. "Now you've gone and done it!" he yelled venomously. "Done what?!" John asked, still puzzled. "DORKUS IS HER NAME YOU IDIOT!" Paul roared. John had to hold his breath to stop himself from laughing. This was pathetic. "Oh, sorry" he said, a smile threatening at the corners of his mouth. "Don't bother" Paul said as he pushed by John and headed for the bathroom where you could hear Dorkus sobbing....

"Look, Dorkface, I'm sorry....really I am." She sobbed harder. "It's DorkUS, John!"

John sighed. First he'd got all sunburnt (here he made a mental note to himself to buy some aloe) and now he had one of Paul's many girls locking herself in his bathroom. What a vacation. "I'VE done it, Paul? This was gonna be MY personal vacation! And you had to come in with Dorkoid or whatever her name is, and burst in on me!" Paul scowled. "Well, you shouldn't have insulted her like that, John." "I shouldn't have..." John closed his eyes and counted to 10 to sober himself. He had to do this about 3 times before he was calm. "Look, Paulie, this is my personal time, AWAY from the band. Get it? AWAY."

Paul stuck his lower lip out. "Yer mean." He was getting this pouty look on his face that made John wonder how Paul ever managed to get all the girls. Maybe their maternal instincts made them like taking care of a 24-year-old baby. "Paul, don't. It's been a long day." John got Dorkus out of the bathroom, explaining that Paul was about to throw a fit, and she seemed enthralled. "He's having a temper tantrum?" John nodded. "I'm going to have a baby. Better learn how to handle this beforehand!" John was beginning to like this Dorkus girl. He watched, amused, as Dorkus rummaged around in her purse. Finally she held up a small object triumphantly: a small cookie. "Here, Paulie..." she cooed. "Wanna cookie?" Paul looked up at her and nodded his head. "Yeah?" Boy, was Dorkus good with Paul. They should hire her full-time. Ringo had been getting tired of having to be Paul's nanny all the time.

"You have to be a big boy," Dorkus continued. John leaned against the frame of the doorway, watching her work her magic. Paul stopped screaming and flailing his arms and legs, and sat still on the floor, entranced by the cookie. Dorkus gave it to him, and he sat there, smack in the middle of John's wonderful vacation, slobbering all over this cookie. When he was done Dorkus took him in the bathroom and cleaned the crumbs and lipstick off his face, and then took him home. John was alone again. He stretched out happily on the bed. "Now, where was I?"

But before he could remember where he had been, there came a huge bang on the door. "WHAT NOW?!" John muttered as he got up reluctantly to answer it....

Continued on Apr 11, 1998

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