Bagism: Library

Skywriting -- Mar 30, 1998
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Continued from Mar 29, 1998

Meanwhile, Some one was wondering. Wondering who the hell Anna and Luiza and Rea and all these weird "People" were. She didn't like them. They were overly cute, too perky, and just plain Goody-goody. Goody-goody people were annoying. She pressed a few buttons on her keyboard, and they all disappeard from the story forever.

Paul didn't like the noise that drifted from Linda's bedroom , through the still night air, over to his current location high in the oak tree. It was calming, almost elegent, yet there was an element of panic there too. A sickly feeling began to build in Paul's stomach as he began to realise where he had heard this noise before. OH NO.......Paul didn't expect........

THAT to be going on. What were they doing in there? Paul crawled up to the window and peeked in. Ringo sat on the couch with Linda. Paul couldn't hear anything they said but he could tell Linda was laughing, whatever it was, and that she looked pretty happy without him. Then Ringo left and came out the front door. A couple hours later, John walked in. Paul spied on them again. This time he saw John actually getting up and doing his imitation of a spastic, which he only did for actual spastics and people he liked. Meanwhile, up in heaven, God was mulling over his programs. "Hey, who deleted my Luiza file? Or Rea? And where's Anna?" He thought about it. "A hacker's gotten into MY computer system!" He recreated His files. "There's only one person with enough computer savvy to do that."

"Microsoft CEO Bill Gates." God thought of ways to punish Bill for this deed. "Hmm...I think I'll give him a cold sore."

Somewhere in the world, Bill Gates winced.

Then he got hit by a streetcar. :^)

YEAH!!!! Streetcars ROCK!!!! That's the best thing they've done yet!!

Meanwhile back at the Macca cave... (ok, we're allowed to have a cheesy line SOMEWHERE in here!)... So Paul is sitting on his tree branch watching John doing his spastic impression for Linda. That disturbed Paul. Not because it was a cruel thing to do (it's not spastic people's fault that they're spastic!) but simply because John only did that in front of people he really wanted to get to like him. Like Brigitte Bardot. And Joan Baez. People he wanted to LIKE him...

Watching Linda giggling at John brough back a disturbing memory for Paul. One night on tour as John was just passing by Paul, on the way to his hotel room with a beautiful girl, he had been doing his spastic thing. As he passed Paul, he had winked and said "Get's 'em every time". Paul had laughed at the time, but now it didn't seem so funny seeing as John was in HIS bedroom with HIS girlfriend doing IT. (the spastic impression, that is...) but Paul knew is he did't do something SOON, that they would be doing a lot of other "IT"s very soon, and he had a front row seat...

but Paul stayed quiet for once, if it got Linda to take him back it would be worth it. Finally John left. George went in and Paul saw Linda laughing again. Once he saw George stop talking so Linda could catch her breath. She was all red in the face. Paul scowled. This wasn't working at all!

After what seemed to Paul to be an eternity Linda was finally alone. Paul ran off to give his friends what for. When he got there they were all sharing Linda stories. "Hey, this isn't working!" Paul screamed at them. "She's supposed to need me, not be glad she got rid of me!" Ringo took pity on his frazzled friend. "Paul's right," he said. John & George were having fun though. "I swear, man, she was puttin' the moves on me!" John hooted. "The only reason I declined was 'cause I figured Paul would be watching through the fookin' window!" George thought that was pretty funny and tried to top that with his own story. "Yeah? You should've seen her when I was there! I had this speech all written out, take-Paul-back-he-loves-you-dearly sort of stuff, and when I walked in there she pats the couch, sort of, and I forgot my speech comepletely, I had her laughing so hard she 'bout wet her knickers!"

Paul mulled over the possibilities. He could hurt them physically or he could come up with a plan. Hmm...

Back at the Gates estates (ooh, a rhyme! *g*) Bill was sucking on his lip. He was very lonely. His wife was at the other end of his huge house and he hadn't seen her in 3 days. Plus he had been run over by a streetcar and his hard drive was all filled up. Now he would have to invent himself more memory. As he sat and played cyber-chess with a Slovanian whose username was TacoDoggee1, he heard a loud sound. Louder...louder... it was a streetcar! AAH! It mowed Bill into the ground and smashed his puter (*sob*). Paul had gone for a walk and saw everything. He wished he had a videocamera. That was a fantastic moment.

"Alright. Something's wrong here. This story, I thought it was about John. Who's this Bill Gates person? Why he here? What his buisness with my husband? Get rid of him, he giving me a headache!" Said Yoko Ono. Shawna dutifully turned to her computer, and pushed a few keys. Bill Gates was put out of commision permanantley by a street car. "Thank you." Said Yoko.

And so Bill was smashed into his own expensive carpet like a bug. Meanwhile, Paul was thinking about ways to make Linda miss him. John & George had stopped laughing and were helping him. "What if we made her think Paul'd been kidnapped?" George suggested. But he was the quiet Beatle after all, and no one heard him. John gasped. "I got it!" he exclaimed. "We could hide Paul for a few days, and put up 'Have You Seen Me?' posters and stuff, and Linda would think someone kidnapped him, and she'd realize just how much she misses Paul!" "Waiiit... how do I know you guys won't get all chummy with her?" Paul asked. "We won't. We're all married anyway," George replied. So they began working on their plan right away.

John made the arrangements; Paul would stay with Harry Nilsson until he was "found". George and Ringo unearthed an old picture of Paul and had it blown up so they could start on the posters. They had them printed up by one of Ringo's friends who was in the printing business. They then went out and tacked them to trees and telephone poles and stuff, and they all talked to Linda about how worried they were, about how the last time they'd talked to Paul he was saying how much he loved Linda and all the rest of it. In a week or two they'd made a lot of progress; Linda was starting to miss him, they knew that for sure.

"I am beginning to worry 'bout this plan of yours, John", Luiza said, looking to Linda. "Don't worry. Everything is under control". "That's EXACTLY what I fear!", she answered. Not that she was doubting John, but... just then Harry entered the place. "Folks, something went wrong. Paul disappeared. For sure!"

"Oh, wait! No, here he is!" said Ringo as he examined a nearby streetcar. "He's right under there," he said, "must've got run over by this blasted streetcar, awful things that they are."

Harry picked Paul up. "Come on, McCartney...." "'s you..." John helped himas Paul staggered drunkenly. "Brings back a few memories, eh, Har?" The two giggled.This was more fun than pestering the Smothers Brothers.

So Harry took Paul away and John and the others headed home for the night. Early the next morning, according to plan, John headed over to 7 Cavendish Avenue to follow out the plan. Tell Linda that Paul had dissappeared. He knocked on the big black door, and just as he was about to turn away thinking she must not be home, the door swung open. John's eardrums were hit with the sound of "Foxy Lady" so loud that he could feel his body vibrating with the sound. Linda was wearing nothing but an apron and a smile. She said nothing (or maybe she did, but it was so loud he couldn't have heard her anyway) and pulled him into the house. She let him stand there while she did her little "foxy lady" dance that "Paul likes so much" John began to roll his eyes, but by the time she was done, John was feeling a more than a little arounsed. But it was no time for that! He reminded himself why he was here. He walked over to the sterio and turned the record off just as Jimi was belting out "FOXY LADY, I'M COMIN' TA GETCHA!!!"...

Linda looked dismayed. "Why'd you do that?" she asked, confused. John tried hard not to look at her seeing as she was lacking most of her clothing. "Um... aren't the kids here?" John asked. "Oh, yes they're upstairs playing. Why?" Linda asked nonchalantly as she picked up her bra and began putting it on. "No reason" John replied. "Um, Lin? Paul's missing. No one's seen him for days." Linda stood there with a blank expression on her face. For about a millisecond. "Oh REALLY?" she asked and then ran up to John and flung herself into his arms. "You were always my favorite Beatle!" she giggled as she began groping him "OH JOHN! do you think he might be dead?!" she asked with delight. John was far from bewildered. Was this the same Linda who had all but ignored him up until now? She had surely known how much he wanted her... But just then....

Little Mary McCartney wandered down the stairs. She stood at the bottom of the stairs staring at John, who was holding Linda, who was going for his tonsils with enthusiasm. Linda hadn't noticed the poor little thing, but John had. He was trying desperately, but to no avail, to get Linda off him. Finally Mary spoke. "Mummy?" she asked. Linda just about jumped out of her skin. "ummmmmm.... yeah?" she said as she leapt out of John's arms and grabbed her shirt. "What were you doing?" she asked. "We were just um... ah... well... okay. we were kissing Mary. Now go back upstairs so we can finish it off, please." Mary started to protest, saying that she was really hungry since they hadn't even had breakfast yet, but Linda wasn't having it. "Mary, get out of here NOW. i need my sex and you know that. Come on, do mummy a favor, okay? GO." Mary sighed as she turned her little body around and headed back up the stairs. "Kids!" Linda said as she turned back to John, who didn't know what to expect...

So he slapped the bitch, said, "I'm taken. Sorry." and left.

Or that's what he would have done if he wasn't such a sex-crazed british rock star. but john couldn't help his need for sex any more than he could explain why his favorite color was black, so he just let Linda have her way with him...

Continued on Mar 31, 1998

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