Bagism: Library

Skywriting -- Mar 25, 1998
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Continued from Mar 24, 1998

went to teach the Gallaghers a lesson.

Paul rubbed his hands together evilly. "What do we get to do?" he asked. John shook his head. "Honestly, Paul, you get too exited about this kind of stuff." Paul pouted. "Well?" "Oh look, he's pouting again," Ringo pointed out. George shook his head. "Don't encourage him. You got the part, Paul." Paul stuck his lower lip out. "You said we could teach them a lesson!"

Paul threw a fit. He sat down on the ground and started having a temper tantrum, kicking his legs and flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs. George, John, and Ringo tried to calm him down; John stuck a pacifier into Paul's mouth and that finally worked. Paul sat on the ground staring angrily at them all with his big brown eyes. By now the Gallaghers were long gone; how would the Beatles catch up to them now? Ringo knew. He'd just installed a powerful motor into his nose. John climbed on first, and George had to drag Paul up onto the huge nose because Paul was still mad and was not moving. Ringo started the motor and away they went.

Ringo's nose broke down halfway to Liam & Noel's house and they had to call someone with jumper cables to come and take Ringo's nose back home.

That was a shame. And Paul still on that fightin'mood. Something had to be done. A streetcar crossed down the street. And stopped in front of them "Going to?...", someone asked. "The Gallaghers's house.". "Hop in", the voice said. And on they went. The owner of the voice appeared - a girl, about ten or twelve years old, smiling all the time.

The Beatles climbed in the streetcar. George was really nervous, as was John, because it had become well known around there that streetcars were evil. They looked around quietly, hoping nothing would run over them. Paul was in such a fighting mood he didn't even realize they were in a streetcar. Then they were run over by a waitress with the beverage cart, but it didn't matter because they were all so hopped up with adrenaline. The streetcar dropped them off in front of the Gallagher mansion.

Wait a minute...how were they going to fight? They sort of needed a refresher course in fighting but it was too late. Then John remembered one of those fateful nights he'd spent in a bar with Paul and how Paul almost blew the place apart, literally. Paul would be their secret weapon, something the Gallaghers would never expect! John explained his plan to the others.

They all loved the plan. Ringo stopped by Taco John's and bought Paul a Super Burrito and George rang the doorbell as Paul stuffed himself with this bean-y food. Noel opened the door. "So, it's you. What do you want?" George smiled evilly. "We're here to teach you a lesson. Paul's just eaten an extra-greasy Super Burrito with everything!" John & Ringo lifted Paul up in the air and pointed him at Noel. At just that moment Liam came to see what all the commotion was about...

and the beans took effect! KA-BOOM!!! The house was blown apart; and Liam & Noel immediately realized the mistake they had made, and apologized whilst they were on the ground gagging from the poisonous fumes. The Beatles felt a little sick themselves. "Paul, you have GOT to see a doctor about that," John said.

Just then Shawna and Stu showed up. "Paul, you've been eating at Taco Hell again, haven't you?" Stu asked. "Yishe, what a smell. What did you EAT?!?!@#*&*" Shawna asked.

"Help, it's the chemical war!", someone shouted from the underground. That's when the four realised they needed to get outa there. And quickly.

only it was too late! Ringo was about to faint from the smell, and Paul looked as if he wasn't finished yet!

Paul winced. "Ohh, I don't feel so good," he moaned. "OH shit!" John yelled. Ringo was just standing there, teetering, ready to fall over. Shawna saved Ringo's life by dragging him to safety. John, Stu, and George were right behind them. Paul watched his friends drive off. Suddenly he gasped. "Ooo...oh no, this is it..." and Paul held his breath and promptly let one fly.

A few days later they all donned gas masks and went to see how Paul was doing. They found him huddled on the ground, a hole blown in the back of his pants from the explosion, the edges frayed and singed. A fully-recovered Ringo handed Paul a bottle of Beano. "From us to you," he explained. They finally decided to let Paul come home, because they had remodeled Paul's bedroom. In the corner sat a huge exhaust fan.

They weren't going to let him come home right away though. They had to get Paul's gas problems fixed. Once Paul had been eating eggs and had done it while they were all sleeping, and it nearly killed them all. They'd barely escaped with their lives. So they took Paul to see Dr. Robert, making sure to have the windows cracked on the way.

Dr. Robert rose up from under the operating table, with a clothes pin with his nose, and looked at all the expectant bunch of people. "well doctor, what's up with my arse?' said Paul worriedly. "Well Paul, you have this servere condition called Fartamosiskabuthoole. "WHAT?" yelled Ringo. Many years of drumming had that effect on the dear fellow. John yelled into Ringo's ears "THE DOC SAYS THAT PAUL HAS THIS DISEASE CALLED FARTAMOSISKABUTHOOLE!" "oh." said Ringo. "But doc, will he survive?"

"We don't know," said the doc. George was wise to Dr. Robert, however, noticing the good doctor was stinking of gin. When Robert proceeded to lie on the table, the Beatles decided to go home. The next morning, however, the whole house smelled like sulphur (rotten eggs) and it was back to Dr. Robert's for our boys.

Luckily, this time the appointment was in the morning, before Dr. Robert's break, the time when he got drunk. This time, a sober Dr. Robert wanted some tests done on Paul's colon. This involved a long procedure involving Paul, a tiny videocamera, a monitor, and several embarrassed Beatles. It was discovered that Paul's colon had nothing wrong with it. The Beatles would never be the same though, and this traumatic experience would later show up in several songs. On the drive home, no one could bring themselves to look at Paul. "Well," John commented, "I'll certainly never see Paul the same way again." Ringo shuddered. "Me neither." George just stared blankly out the window, barely noticing when Paul squirmed and emitted a sulphurous cloud. The others gagged to the point of hemorrhaging, but not George.

"Ugh, Paul!" Ringo gasped in between gags. "Roll down the window!" John screamed at Ringo. Ringo pumped as hard as he could to get the window down, but in their haste they'd forgotten that the window needed fixing! "It's stuck!" Ringo yelled. "NOOOO!" John wailed. What a terrible tragedy this is! What ever will happen to our boys?

Continued on Mar 26, 1998

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