Bagism: Library

Skywriting -- Mar 09, 1998
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Continued from Mar 08, 1998

George and Ringo came to the door and the party was in full swing. In fact, eventually Jane found herself swinging from the fat chandelire that Paul had in his garage (don't ask me why he had it in there), and then later Paul and Jane were stoned and screwing on the floor (because you know, that kind of activity makes you wanna get some), but they only did that for a few hours before Jane eventually remembered that she was mad at Paul and decided John was looking very attractive that night (But that was before she passed out with a bunch of popcorn in her mouth - and who hasn't done THAT before) and Jane dreamed that she was hit by a street car and awoke with a scream, only to find herself....(wow that was one hell of a run on sentence!)

alone in the living room! Everyone was gone, even Paul, and it was his house! She looked Paul, or John, or even Marianne. She was alone. You see, they had all gotten tired of laughing at Jane's popcorn-stuffed, stoned body passed out on the floor, so they got out some Xmas ornaments and decorated her like a tree. Then they took a picture and went to the local pub for some lagers & lime.

Then she got hit by a streetcar

Only not really, because she was still dreaming. Anyhow, John accidentally spilt a beer on her which scared her even more than the streetcar did. "Gee, I'm sorry 'bout that," John grinned impishly at her. "John," she purred, "I won't mind as long as...

you help me become a famous movie star." "Jane, you must be are a mediocre actress at best. I could get you into some underground porn, though, if that interests you." John said, sipping his drink and laughing. "Oh, John, you're so funny." Jane giggled. "Paul already MADE some porn tapes with me...he SAID he sent them to a talent scout, but nothing's come of it yet." Jane fell into John's lap and put her arms around his neck clumsily. He could see some popcorn in her ear. He was considering whether or not he was in the mood to take advantage of Paul's woman when...

Paul walked in, completely smashed. It took a minute for his glazed over eyes to take in the fact that Jane was sitting on John's lap with her arms around his neck 'WHAT THE FOOK DO YOU THINK YER DOIN'?!" he screamed. No one was really sure which one of them he was talking to. Jane was still quite woozy, but the memory of Paul and Marianne was fresh in her mind. She pulled John's face up to hers and began going for his tonsils with enthusiasm. "Take that, Paul!" she said to herself. "OH YEEEAH???" Paul screamed as he grabbed the neareast girl and groped her. It took a few seconds before Paul realized that this 'girl' needed a shave he cried out as he pulled away, only to see that he had been kissing...

RINGO! "Oh, dear GOD!" Paul was horrified. Ringo simply looked at him really strangely, but was too stoned to really care. Paul looked back at the couch. Jane was beginning to remove her shirt. "NOOOOO!!!! honey, please don't!" Paul said out of reflex, then remembered this wasn't about saving the relationship, this was about revenge. He grabbed the nearest girl, who just happened to be...

Pattie Harrison. Now this was a big mistake. First of all, cuz it not only made JANE jealous, it ALSO made John jealous. Everyone knew he'd always had a huge thing for Pattie. But that just made Paul all the more enthusiastic. He ripped off Pattie's miniskirt. Too bad he didn't notice that George was standing right there....

"HEY MACCA! GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!" George yelled in a helplessly drunken voice. Paul was too surprised to move. He hadn't noticed that george was there. OOPS. But surprisingly, it wasn't Paul who reacted to George's outburst. "AARRRRGG!!" Pattie yelled. "I AM SO FED UP WITH MEN!!!!!!!" she screamed. "THEY TREAT WOMEN LIKE THEY ARE POSESSIONS! I AM NOBODY'S 'WOMAN' AND I WILL THANK YOU NOT TO REFER TO ME AS THAT, GEORGE." she continued. "WOMEN AND MEN WERE CREATED EQUAL. AND JUST BECAUSE YOU GUYS HAVE A HARD TIME KEEPING YOUR PANTS ON DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY EXCUSE TO ACT LIKE THIS." Jane suddenly stopped unzipping John's pants, and listened to what pattie had to say, with a thoughtful look on her face. "THAT'S RIGHT!" she yelled as the revelation dawned upon her. Feminism was born. John, Paul and George simply stood there, staring at eachother. "C'mon Jane, let's get out of here" Pattie said and the two girls left the guys standing there, wondering what the hell had just happened here...

This gave John an idea. As Pattie stood there on her little women's rights soapbox John grabbed a piece of paper and began writing furiously- "Woman...I can hardly express..."

"Oh mother, can anybody call the Bad Plot Police? Merci!", someone shouted from the audience. Everybody shouted "SHUT UP,YOU!" and eventually threw one chair or two on the bore.

Anybody can throw a chair. John picked up an end table and threw it in the general direction of the guy. It missed, but the effort was there. Then he put the finishing touches on his new song (he still needed a title) and headed to the Hit Factory to record a demo. This felt like a sure #1.

The tentative title of the new demo was "I can hurl end tables (you can't throw nothin' but chairs)" Paul took this as another personal offense, and wrote his own demo in response, titled "So you can throw a table (I can sleep with your wife if I want to)".

This triggered this whole big fight between Paul & John. Paul put his new song on his latest album, "Spam", which really pissed John off.

Siddenly, it was just like old days again. John threw another end table in rage. Paull threw a piano bench, hitting John square in the jaw. he staggered a bit before passing out. He smiled as bit as he felt himself go fuzzy.. It didn't even hurt.

Then they got hit by a streetcar

Meanwhile, in her little corner of nowhere, Yoko Ono was laughin her head off. She found all of this so funny. Most of all Paul kissing Ringo. She pushed a button in the middle of nothing and sat back to watch as...

John and Paul kissing eachother passionetly, eventually winding up screwing eachother, much to their disgust. But they couldn't help it or stop themselves. "Yoko Ono, I know you're doing this!" Shouted Paul. "Stop this idiodicy!" Yoko just laughed.

John tasted blood. Almost sour and salty. He tried to spit the mouthful, but it just kept welling up. John felt cold stone beneath him. When he forced his eyes open, he say only ceiling- no sky. No sky.

"Where the hell am I?" He asked. "You're inside my mind, John." Yoko Ono's voice came. "What am I doing here?" He asked. "You're dead, John. You didn't know?" "Dead? No! It's not true! It's not true..." He said, breaking down in tears. "You're life the last eighteen years has been lived inside my mind. I'm sorry John." John fainted.

John woke up in a cramped, smelly, noisy room. He recognised it right away. "The Bambino Cino! This is Hamurg! What am I doing here?" He said. Paul, George, Stu and Pete just looked at him like he was crazy.

Continued on Mar 10, 1998

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