Bagism: Library

Skywriting -- Mar 02, 1998
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Continued from Mar 01, 1998

"...or is just the way I walk!Ho ho" Everyone dropped down laughing at the joke which was actually a bit piss poor. John Lennon on his PC in heaven looked at the bagism website and read with interest the Skywriting feature. "my god, don't people write a lot of shite in my honour, the guy who wrote about England being boring was a bit of loser eh? Probably from the US. Still it's great that everyone is having fun and mileage from mention streetcars all the time!" John chuckled to himself, thinking of the pun he'd just made (you know,MILEAGE - STREETCARS haha). Lennon lit a cigarette, turn his heavenly computer off and laughed heartily..

Then as he slipped his Heavenly Gitanes' Hard Pack into his jacket pocket, he heard someone sobbing at a corner of the Southern Heavenly Gate. It was a child-like twenty-odd-years-old male with blonde straw hair & a frail body that seems to make him get swallowed by his clothes.... "Are you alrite?",John asked."Why are you crying?" The male looked up with droplets of tears still trickling down his cheeks."Where am I? and who the hell are you?" Lennon bent down to squat besides the boy. "Maybe you would like to tell me your name first. Then perhaps I could help you out here." The boy was surprised but happy to learn that this 60-odd-years-old man didn't recognize him. "My name is Kurt and I'd like to know how I ended out here..........."

"This is heaven...you are...well, dead."Kurt looked to his shoes. "So the gun was really loaded. I told Courtney to do not let it loaded...Oh man!...", and he started to cry again. Just back then the heavenly computer blared into life again. It was a message to John.

"John, here's Anna.", the first words appeared. John laughed. That girl again! "Listen up, did a guy named Cobain arrived in there today? His full name is Kurt Cobain." John looked to the newcomer. " I think so, Anna, why?" "People who commit suicide don't get to heaven. People here are tellin' he killed himself. Would you PLEASE check this out for me?". John just looked to the message...and then back to Kurt. Then he got hit by a streetcar.

Actually, that was a typing mistake from one my my dear bagist friends. Rea popped up in heaven. "Hey Rea, didn't know you could come up to heaven!" exclaimed John. "well, Johnny boy, me and anna have a lot of powers that you do not know of... think of us as marvel superheroines type of people." "so, why you up here?" asked John. "well, John we want you to do something down on earth a la Touch by an Angel type of deed..." said Rea.

"Heaven for the weather, Hell for the company..." John grumbled, noticing the computer was a far cry from his own old IBM Selectric. "Soooo...I need to help you..." He raised one heavy eyebrow. The newcomer looked a little puzzled and very scared. "Shite, Man! I'm not gonna bite!" He stuck out his hand. "Nice to meet you. I'm John. Or did you know that already?"

Just then a huge streetcar drove up to them, but miraculously, this time, it didn't hit anyone (they were already dead) it stopped, and who would appear through the steam from the engine but...

..the car broke down. "Ugh, I do HATE when such a thing happens! Damn it, anyway. hi there, Rea, dearie. Did you call me? Here I am.", Anna said, with a smile. "Did you find out whos'the guy, people?", she said, looking to the newcomer. "Cobain. Long time no see...", she said with one wicked smile. "So, people, what are you up to?"

"He looks like he's seen a bleedin' ghost, Anna. The kid's terrified. "You certainly didn't help, Teddyboy."

yeah, but anyway, back to the streetcar.... and who would appear but....

ANNIE! yes, she was back. Someone else had been writing a whole bunch of stuff about how she had run off with Paul but it wasn't true (well, maybe she HAD, but she decided to get rid of him and come visit her friends) "Rea! Anna! John!" she yelled. they all turned to look at her. "ANNIE!!" they all cried in unison. She walked towards them... "Hey where have you dudes been?"

But just then there was a major crash and everyone was surrounded by darkness. There was nothing but nowhereness for how long? a minute? a week? a year? an eternity? But when the lights did come back on...

... they were all sitting in a dimly lit club right in the middle of swinging london. Yeah, John, George, Paul, Ringo (along with their better halves) plus the stones, marianne faithfull (who was trying to decide whether she should move in with Mick, Keith, Bob Dylan or John Dunbar), and just about any other cool cats you can think of. But just then, who would come bursting through the love beads hanging from the top of the door but.... AUSTIN POWERS!

"I'M A SWINGER BABY, YEAH!!!" he screamed in his oh-so-sexy and irresistable-to-women voice. As if every female in the room wasn't already staring at him, he proceeded to rip off his clothing until all he was wearing were his union jack underpants. Every girl in the room sighed in unison. Marianne decided to forget Mick, Keith, Bob and John and whoever the hell else she might one day shag (Paul?) - this Austin guy was more man then all of them put together! She ran up and jumped into his arms. But as she did so....

surprisingly, it was Paul who protested. he dumped his girlfriend at the time, Jane off his lap and she landed on the floor with a thud, looking not-very-impressed. "MARIANNE!" he screamed "what the HELL do you think you're doing?!" Marianne stared at McCartney incredously. "What's wrong, Paul?" she purred. "Jealous?" Paul turned a darker shade of red and retorted "Of course not. But poor Mick..." Marianne began to laugh. Mick began to cry. So did Bob, Keith and John Dunbar. "Paul," she continued. "I'd be quiet right about now if i were you..." she said with a warning hint in her voice. Paul just stared at her. "You wouldn't...." he began, but it was too late...

"OH, BUT I WOULD, BABY!" Marianne yelled, sounding un-cannily like her lust-object of the moment. "I don't need any of you pathetic wanna-bes now that i have the REAL man," she said, looking at Austin with adoration. He just smiled back with his heart-capturing smile. "So hey, Jane, d'you wanna know why Paul's making such a big deal out of this? do you?" Jane's ass still hurt from Paul dropping her on the floor, so she didn't answer. "Well," marianne pressed on, "maybe it's because Paul had a plan to take me home tonight and shag me rotten baby, yeah!" Marianne began laughing. "But now he won't be able to, and since you're leaving for your theatre thing tonight, he's not gonna be getting any and he's feeling more than a little upset about it, aren't you hon?" Marianne looked at Paul with mock-sympathy. "Poor BABY!" she teased. But not getting any tonight was the least of Paul's worries now. Now he had to deal with not only Marianne's husband, John Dunbar, but with her other 'friends' such as Mick, Keith A...

AND Bob, and they were all ready to beat the living shite out of "poor" macca. Just at that moment, John Lennon conveniently remembered the time that Paul had tryed to convince Cyn to sleep with him, george remembered how Paul was flirting with Pattie, and since Ringo was the only one left who didn't have a reason to beat Paul up, he just made up some bull shit story about Paul stealing his favorite drumstick....

As John reads this on the great computer in the sky, he thinks, "Gee, is this the way people think of me now? They have all the space in the world to write whatever they want, and this rambling piece of crap story is what they come up with. Ru Paul and incest and all kinds of lawsuits just waiting to happen, that is whaat SkyWriting is!"

John shook his head in disbelief. "Maybe *I* should start all over, although God knows they've tried at least ten times already and it hasn't worked. Oh well, here goes..." IT WAS A DARK, STORMY, GOTHIC NIGHT... surrounded by ...

Continued on Mar 03, 1998

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