Bagism: Library

Skywriting -- Feb 10, 1998
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Continued from Feb 09, 1998

He closed his eyes in anticipation of her flowery smell, took a whiff then opened his eyes and began to gag. "Good God woman you smell like absolute shite!" sunflower was hurt that he noticed and was cursing that she had forgot to detoxify herself this morning. John, in his usual blunt manner went on "Get the hell away from me and go make friends with the fishies" and he picked her up and chucked her into the backyard pool with man-eating pirhanas that had a taste for blood. So John was full of regret for all of four and a half seconds when he realized that life goes on. Man what a stupid saying he thought to himself then lauged. Wow could he imagine some cheesy show made in the 80's that had that title and used the song Ob-la-do ob-la-da? Too scary too think about! Jake and Elwood came up to John and said "We're on a mission from God-and we've got to save the orphange. Want to be in our band along with Donald duck dunn and matt guitar murphy?" "hey man I'm down with that," said John.

Then John thought about it a moment than said," actually no, you were once in a great film guys but I just know that you are going to make a comeback film in a few years and it will be utter shite". Elwood ran off, Jake had an overdose and was reincarnated as a Flintstone. John thought, "this is bloody silly, one day someone on an american website will write about this, I'm off to Ye Cracke for a pint of Biddendens cider, it'll knock me head off".

thn john woke up and relised that the dog had gone on the carpet--that's why it smelled bad. he heard someone knocking at the door. it was flowery masha and lovely heather--they had come to tell john something. "listen john," said masha, "there's something wrong with yoko and we're not sure what. but she's been feeling terrible and has been babbling nonesense. what could it be?" john thought a moment and said...

"I don't know...take me to where she is."

Allof a sudden there was a big earthquake and they fell into another demension back to prehistoric times.All of a sudden they saw a giant T-rex and he began to chase them.Then a flock of Terridactles swooped down and took only Yoko and John.Leaving flowery masha and lovely Heather to the hungary and unmerciful T-rex.The terridactles took Yoko and John to their cave ,where they met Paul and Linda ."Oh,what are you doing here ?" asked John."We were going to the sun to have tea and crumpets with him and the Misses ,when we were sucked through a black hole and ended up here.",replied Paul.

Ah but wait! Paul had yet another conquest to make. This time, he shagged a sheep while everyone looked on in horror. By the way, SALLY SUCKS!

"Oh Yes! Paul had another conquest!" Exclaimed Apu "He needs to cut up the largest ------ in India with a HERRING!" No one could understand poor Apu. Paul will just have to use his imagination in India when cutting things up. Nicholle kissed Apu, then they

Then the sheep had a kid and it was a mutant. half human, half sheep and it was UUUUGLY! Paul deicided to brainwash Linda and tell her it was her child, and she believed him. They named it Stella.

John looked at the sea of faces before him. Someone flicked a lighter and held it over their head. "Siddown, ya jackarse!" The light flickered madly for a brief moment and went out, throwing the whole scene into total darkness. All there was was the plinking of a single guitar string. And a cry of anguish when it broke. "Shite."

It was Jake Blues! He was pissed off because Elwood wanted to sing "Rawhide." He finally agreed when Elwood let him use the whip again, so everyone jammed to "Rawhide" and threw beer bottles while Elwood beat the living boo-boo-jeebies out of everyone with his whip.

A murmur went through the crowd. What was going on? The suddenly all lights flickered and went out...screams filld the air. John lifted his head. He could make out traces of peoples heads. A shut gun rang out, someone screamed again. A light flooded from the open doorway. A man in a green trenchcoat stood in it. He held a shiny gun in his hand. John clutched Yoko to his coat. "Listen up!" the man yelled, "Listen!"He shot the gun again. People murmured, then quieted. "Now, thats better, if you dont listen to what I have to say." He screamed at the people. John could see the man had a street cabbie hat on, one like he used to wear as a child. John stood up and yelled out"Hey Mister!! Just let us go!!! You dont want us, really, you bloody fool." the man looked at John with an evil wolf look. Then John watched in terror as the man lifted the gun and aimed it right at him...

Then he jumped and took the mans gun...and he shot the sheep faced children...People applauded, although Paul looked as if he were going to cry. John shook his hand and said, You know it could be worse...you could have dogs with Lindas face on them." and he left Paul kneeling on the floor.

John trembled inside. He hadn't known he could do it. His heart fluttered and he smiled wordlessly

but then, Paul pulled his hair, and his entire head came unzipped! Underneath that amazingly god-like facade was... PRINCE CHARLES! Yes, for years, Prince Chaz had been impersonating Sir Macca, and no one, not even Linda had known the difference. (Lindy McC is not the brightest of all people.) Needless to say, the entire planet was absolutely STUNNED...

and then, an eerie red light filled the room, and a girl with black hair appeared. She was wearing a silver dress and holding a blue mirror in a gold frame. "Here." she said, handing it to John. "DON'T BREAK IT!" she yelled. "Miranda is going to be RIGHTOUSLY pissed when she hears about what you did to her mirror." "Sorry... uh....umm.." John stuttered. "I'm Tatum," said the girl...

But WHERE was the REAL Paul? He was still falling thru that Pittsburg pothole with Miranda. (i don't know HOW you people thought that was Annie... the two do not look a thing alike...) John had known the whole story for a very long time, and yet had been afraid to tell lest the power inside the purple mirror come to take its revenge...

Yes, so Paul and the bimbo from before, Miranda were falling and eventually landed on Annie. Well, there was a huge scene, screaming and scratching until they both realized that Paul wasn't worth it. Besides, he was already MARRIED! so they both turned on Paul, who yelled "SERENITY NOW!" but to no avail. Finally he slunk away into the darkness and Miranda and Annie went to go get a cappucino together and pick up guys chanting "WOMEN ARE STRONGER THAN MEN!" all the way...

But, ofcourse, Lindy McC was doing her best to disprove that theory and reassure men that women really are only brainless-good-for-only-one-thing creatures. Even though everyone else had realized that Prince Charles was just pretending to be Paul, Lin still didn't get it. (the poor thing, you know she's just a little slow..) and she couldn't understand why in the world he wouldn't pluck her nosehairs for her. "BUT PAUL, YOU LOVE DOING THAT!" but just as they were getting the tweezers out...

"Snip" John mentally cut the picture of Linda in two. He let the two halves drift gently to the floor. One landed on his dusty shoe. He kicked it away. He was left with nothing again. He pushed back his unruly hair with calloused fingers. It had been that easy to shed the past. That esy to shed a memory of those times.

John was going to cry again, when elwood blues came by in his battered police car. John, stop crying and play some blues with us! So little John came in the car, and they started driving. they went to a bridge that was going up cause a boat was crossing. but you know what that police car did? it went over the bridge, even though it was not really a bridge!! :-) Anyway, Jake and Elwood and John (who was now wearing a blues brother outfit) went to the apartment, and decided what do to next.

..but then linda mcC decided she was pissed with paul doing it with the sheep, and became obsessed with john! by this time, John was a blues brother. So it had become jake, elwood and john or john, jake and elwood or elwood, jake and john or etc.etc.etc. ANYWAY, linda came by the apartment, and blew it up!

but, then nick carter of the backstreet boys and that middle girl from hanson came by. "LINDA DON'T DO IT!" yelled nick. "WHY?!?!" said Linda. cause we want to start a blond bimbos club? then linda thought to herself. what a groovy idea!

He looked at his face in the new blue mirror. He smiled crookedly, watching his eyes narrow in it's dark surface. He'd always noticed little things about himself like that, His eyes were too small. his nose was too long. His voice- he couldn't even begin to think of his list of complaints about that.

so nick and Linda set out on their mission to find Marcia Brady so they could all shve their legs, manicure their nails, pluck their nose hairs and lace their tennis shoes together. Linda was extremely happy. For once in her life she felt like she totally belonged. "Oh, NICK YOU ARE SO MUCH SEXIER THAN ANY OF THESE BRITISH ROCK STARS I SHAG! THIS AMERICAN CHEESY-POP STUFF IS SO... CREATIVE AND INNOVATIVE! OH, I LOVE YOU!" she cried out as she threw herself into Nick's arms. But, as it always happens in these stories, just then the *real* Paul showed up...

"What the hell?" he asked in an exasperated voice. "Paul, i have finally found my true love. This is Nick Carter. I'm absolutely amazed - he is the only one i have ever met who thinks just like i do!" Linda grinned. (from somewhere far, far away, John burst out laughing) "Well, Linda," paul began, "that's fine cuz everyone knows i only married you in the first place cuz you got pregnant - but guess what? that baby isn't even yours! haha!" he laughed. "This is Annie" he said as he lifted her up and carried her away. "You go have fun with pansy-assed nick, now luv"...

but come on now, everybody knows that Paul and Linda were having tea with the fam in Sussex at that time, so we'll leave that part of the story and find John . . . oh, THERE he is, sitting with Yoko making up stories.

but then he ran off and joined the blues brothers again. jake.... elwood...and JOHN!!!!! Also, he hooked up with Erykah Badu, the nu-soul sista! It seemed in a galaxy far far away it seemd as if nick and linda were shacking up and paul was yelling "SERENITY NOW!"... but ahem, back to john and the bllllues broooothers...

yeah so john and the blues brothers were just having a groovy time. BACK TO LINDA AND NICK... so they got buzzed by headquaters and were taken into see a mysterious man called "Number One" who held a really furry white cat. "We have a mission for you" he said in a cold, wiry voice. "We need you to...

take the princess's cat Snoops to the vet. This is an important mission, the agency felt we should send our two best people to take care of it," Number One concluded with an expressionless face. Linda and Nick looked at each other and then back at Number One. "You're kidding, right?" said Nick. Number One just gave them a steady, unnerving stare. "I guess not," mumbled Linda. "This is Snoops," Number One said, presenting a very cute but very hyperactive tabby. "She is expected at her appointment around 1200 hours. The address is on this sheet of paper." He handed the paper to Nick and the cat to Linda. "," thought Linda. "Good luck agents," said Number One. "Thank you so very much sir," Linda said, hoping Number One didn't pick up the sarcasm in her voice. As they closed the door to Number One's office, they could hear the boss's thundering laughter. "," thought Linda.

Then the cat magically turned white again.

"Make it so" someone whispered. It was someone who couldn't quite resist making a reference to Star Trek whenever they saw the phrase "Number One." But, as everyone knows, the term "Number One" was *actually* what Paul forced Linda to call him in bed. So when she heard the phrase she couldn't help but wish to be back in Paul's arms and away from Nick Carter (who was holding the cat and singing "As Long As You Love Me" to it). But, alas, no one really knew where the real Paul was...

Except Miranda and Annie, who were sitting with Paul (or was it just that actor hired to play him after his terrible car accident in 1966? I can say no more. Please, say no more) Anyways, Paul was with his two ladies, who he always got confused. "Miranda" he said to Annie, "Would you please tell me what it is we're actually DOING in this story? Why do the Blues Brothers keep coming into it? That's the LAST thing I need." Paul was so confused and exsaperated that he couldn't even think about sex and he fell asleep.

Continued on Feb 11, 1998

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